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Some people believe that subjects such as Music, Arts, Drama and Creative Writing will contribute a great deal to children’s development; therefore they should take a large part of the school timetable. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people believe that subjects such as Music, Arts, Drama and Creative Writing will contribute a great deal to children’s development; therefore they should take a large part of the school timetable. v. 1
Investigation has found that, technology improved the way of corporate meetings, trainings and discussions are taking place through online such as, using a webcam. I believe this has more benefits than drawbacks. On the one hand, conducting meetings, trainings and discussions may have major advantages. The first benefit is that, it saves time of travelling to attend the meeting. One clear example is, when people go out for business meetings, conferences and trainings, they have to travel by transports and then they stuck in traffic for a long time, and they cannot arrive on time. Apparently, this online communication brings more facilities for people who are far from home. For instance, when someone is on vacation, but there’s an emergency meeting that they have to attend the meeting. In that case, video conference would be a great way of communication with other members. What is more about this technological advancement, it also helps people to share documents and files easily where they can edit the file if it is needed to be edited. On the other hand, attending online trainings, meetings and discussions sometimes difficult for people who have technical limitations, especially elderly people may face problem joining online the conference. When they were young they did not have the chance of learning technology due to poor technological advancement. To illustrate, elderly people may have the difficulty using latest technology and software, in that situation the other members cannot communicate with them properly and will lose the track of their discussions. I believe, it will not make a successful meeting for a few people, but if they are trained well then that would be an effective communication way. To conclude, I would therefore argue that although there are disadvantages of the current technological advancement they are outweighed by the advantages. Online link will bring more merits than demerits in the near future.
Investigation has found that, technology
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
the way of corporate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
meetings
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trainings
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
discussions
are taking place through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
such as, using a webcam. I believe this has more benefits than drawbacks.

On the one hand, conducting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
meetings
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trainings
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
discussions
may have major advantages. The
first
benefit is that, it saves time of travelling to attend the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
meeting
. One
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
example is, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
go out for business
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
meetings
, conferences and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trainings
, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
travel by
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
transports and
then they stuck in traffic for a long time, and they cannot arrive on time.
Apparently
, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
communication brings more facilities for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are far from home.
For instance
, when someone is on vacation,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
there’s an emergency
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
meeting
that they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
attend the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
meeting
.
In that case
, video conference would be a great way of communication with other members.
What is more
about this technological advancement, it
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to share documents and files
easily
where they can edit the file if it
is needed
to
be edited
.

On the other hand
, attending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trainings
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
meetings
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
discussions
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
difficult for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who have technical limitations,
especially
elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may face problem joining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
the conference.
“When” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
When
they were young they did not have the chance of learning technology due to poor technological advancement. To illustrate, elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may have the difficulty using
A determiner is probably missing here: "the latest".
latest
technology and software, in that situation the other members cannot communicate with them
properly
and will lose the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
track
of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
discussions
. I believe, it will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a successful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
meeting
for a few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
if they
are trained
well then that would be an effective communication way.

To conclude
, I would
therefore
argue that although there are disadvantages of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
technological advancement they
are outweighed
by the advantages.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Online
link will bring more merits than demerits in the near future.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that subjects such as Music, Arts, Drama and Creative Writing will contribute a great deal to children’s development; therefore they should take a large part of the school timetable. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
312 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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