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Some people believe that subjects such as Music, Arts, Drama and Creative Writing will contribute a great deal to children’s development; therefore they should take a large part of the school timetable. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.2

Some people believe that subjects such as Music, Arts, Drama and Creative Writing will contribute a great deal to children’s development; therefore they should take a large part of the school timetable. v. 2
Art has a lot of forms and is considered to be an essential element to be holistically whole as a human person. Ironically, in this modern world, it is not widely encouraged and of less importance in some countries where families are not that open on the concept of it. This essay will explain the two views and my opinion, in line with respective examples on the thought that art is an essential subject for children at school and not a waste of time. First, I believe that art is essential to be a part of school curriculum because it is a mode on how children will learn to express themselves. Singing, painting, and dancing are some examples of these which I think will be important to develop a child’s ego, worth and self esteem. For example, a depressed child can truly denote his or her feelings through painting or song writing. This will serve as a channel to vent out what is bothering him or her inside. Indulging in art is like a form of catharsis wherein you spill out all your emotions out to make u feel better. On the other hand, an added miscellaneous and tuition fee expenses will be a drawback of it putting in school’s curriculum. Although, it is not considered as a substantial subject usually by some schools yet adding this will further result to hire art teachers thus, adding up to the school expenditures in line with salaries. At the same time, schools will ask extra payments to parents in order to compensate the wages for their hired staffs. For instance in my country, parents are protesting to one of the known private schools because of added fees from extracurricular activities such as annual fashion shows and art painting sessions. It will be a disadvantage most especially to families that belongs to the low socio economic status Personally, I am an artist by heart but currently employed as a nurse. Due to my country’s norms and stigma, I was not able to pursue my passion, which is the love of art. As what my parents always say, in art I will not have a better future since I will be earning below average because it is not in demand. In my opinion, I agree that adding art to schools for children to study is better and will yield to good results. Through this way, it can be a form and channel for outlet of unresolved emotions and at the same time unleash their hidden talents
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Art
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
forms and
is considered
to be an essential element to be
holistically
whole as a human person.
Ironically
, in this modern world, it is not
widely
encouraged and of less importance in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries where families are not that open on the concept of it. This essay will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
the two views and my opinion, in line with respective examples on the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
is an essential subject for children at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
and not a waste of time.

First
, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
is essential to be a part of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
curriculum
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is a mode on how children will learn to express themselves. Singing, painting, and dancing are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
examples of these which I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
will be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to develop a child’s ego, worth and
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
self esteem
.
For example
, a depressed child can
truly
denote
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
feelings through painting or song writing. This will serve as a channel to vent out what is bothering him or her inside. Indulging in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
is like a form of catharsis wherein you spill out all your emotions out to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
u feel better.

On the other hand
, an
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
added
miscellaneous and tuition fee expenses will be a drawback of it putting in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school’s
curriculum. Although, it is not considered as a substantial subject
usually
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
yet
adding this will
further
result to hire
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
teachers
thus
, adding up to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
expenditures in line with salaries. At the same time,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
will ask extra payments to parents in order to compensate the wages for their hired staffs.
For instance
in my country, parents are protesting to one of the known private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
added
fees from extracurricular activities such as annual fashion
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
painting sessions. It will be a disadvantage most
especially
to families that belongs to the low
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
socio economic
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
status


Personally
, I am an artist by heart
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
currently
employed as a nurse. Due to my country’s norms and stigma, I was not able to pursue my passion, which is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
. As what my parents always say, in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
I will not have a better future since I will be earning below average
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is not in demand. In my opinion, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that adding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
for children to study is better and will yield to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
results. Through this way, it can be a form and channel for outlet of unresolved emotions and at the same time unleash their hidden
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
talents
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that subjects such as Music, Arts, Drama and Creative Writing will contribute a great deal to children’s development; therefore they should take a large part of the school timetable. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
421 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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