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Studying art in school improves students' performance in other subjects, because it is easier for multi-skilled students to learn new things. That is why art should be obligatory in schools. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Studying art in school improves students' performance in other subjects, because it is easier for multi-skilled students to learn new things. That is why art should be obligatory in schools. v. 1
The question whether art education is necessary for children at school has drawn much attention from the public. Exposing students' art lessons may lead to the formation of high self-esteem as well as can help to learn language, culture, math, and other lessons. I totally agree that artistic activities which help to develop students’ ability should be compulsory in all schools. Firstly, creating craft sample may give students a feeling of accomplishment which help to boost and stimulate self-esteem in students. Any child who sees his talent in the given area may fulfil cheerful feelings inside and it may give him powerful confidence that lead to be the prosperous person in the society in the term of his ability. From a psychological point of view, a student who deals with creative activities more likely believe in his sufficient power in the society rather than others. So the arts should be given in schools as a subject because its palatable effect. Schools that have music and art mandatory have noticed a huge improvement in the school's performance. Moreover, some students are particularly gifted in their capability, so studying art can help them nurture their talents. Many investigations have been done on this issue and detailed information have been collected in the books. For instance, according to the book, " This Is Your Brain On Music” music and art helps people recall information the most vividly even after an accident that damages the brain. So music help to stimulate brain function and store more significant information in the brain as well as aid them to absorb math or language materials very easily. Thus, if children’s exposure to the art is in the high level, it will be easy to make reveal capable person inside them. In summary, regarding to music’s favourable effects on students’ characters as well as absorbing new knowledge easily, in this case art shouldn’t be banned in school environment.
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether", or rephrase the sentence to avoid "The question".
The question whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
education is necessary for children at school has drawn much attention from the public. Exposing students'
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
lessons may lead to the formation of high self-esteem
as well
as can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
to learn language, culture, math, and other lessons. I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that artistic activities which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
to develop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students’
ability should be compulsory in all schools.

Firstly
, creating craft sample may give
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
a feeling of accomplishment which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
to boost and stimulate self-esteem in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. Any child who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sees
his talent in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
area may fulfil cheerful feelings inside and it may give him powerful confidence that lead to be the prosperous person in the society in the term of his ability. From a psychological point of view, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
who deals with creative activities more likely believe in his sufficient power in the society
rather
than others.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
in schools as a subject
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
its palatable effect.

Schools that have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
mandatory have noticed a huge improvement in the school's performance.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are
particularly
gifted in their capability,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
studying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
them nurture their talents.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
investigations have
been done
on this issue and detailed information have
been collected
in the books.
For instance
, according to the book,
Don't put a space on both sides of a quote symbol
"
This Is Your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Brain
On
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Music”
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
recall information the most
vividly
even after an accident that damages the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
brain
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
to stimulate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
brain
function and store more significant information in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
brain
as well
as aid them to absorb math or language materials
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
easily
.
Thus
, if children’s exposure to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
is in the high level, it will be easy to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
reveal capable person inside them.

In summary,
The phrase 'regarding to' is not correct. Use "regarding" or "regard to".
regarding to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music’s
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourable' is British English.
favourable
effects on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students’
characters
as well
as absorbing new knowledge
easily
,
in this case
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
shouldn’t
be banned
in school environment.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
29Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
The conquest of learning is achieved through the knowledge of languages.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay Studying art in school improves students' performance in other subjects, because it is easier for multi-skilled students to learn new things. That is why art should be obligatory in schools. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
320 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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