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Studying art in school also improves students' performance in other subjects, because it is easier for multi-skilled students to learn new things. That's why art should be obligatory in schools. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

Studying art in school also improves students' performance in other subjects, because it is easier for multi-skilled students to learn new things. That's why art should be obligatory in schools. v. 2
Across the globe, there are many famous artists who have won many awards for their achievements. Art is treated as a major subject in many schools. And some of the schools are yet to implement it. I completely agree with the statement that art as a subject improves students performance. Art makes children more productive and creative, which enhances their skills and thinking ability. Students will excel in their skills and surpass presentation power. For instance, it is scientifically proven that the brain generates electric power to think out of the box when trying to create art. The other reason is that it enthusiasts students to pay attention to other subjects as well. Drawing is an art which gives conceptual thoughts and imagination which access a person' s brain. Due to this, the outcome in other subjects lead to positivism and students starts to perform well and this gives them the potential to enhance their skills more. That is why it is believed that it is easier for multi-skilled students to learn new things. A good illustration of this is the survey made on schools who take art as a major subject and those schools where art is taken as a subject once a week. It was observed in the survey that the students performed well in all the subjects in those schools who take art as a major subject than those where it is scheduled once a week. It was also observed in some schools that there was less number of art workshops organised because students don' t attend. It means students are not made aware of its importance which I believed, also a drawback and should be taken seriously. Taking everything into consideration, it is highly recommended to schools to take art as a major subject more seriously for better future of children which will give them capability to learn more.
Across the globe, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
artists who have won
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
awards for their achievements.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Art
is treated
as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
. And
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
are
yet
to implement it.

I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the statement that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improves
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
performance.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Art
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
children more productive and creative, which enhances their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and thinking ability.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Students
will excel in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and surpass presentation power.
For instance
, it is
scientifically
proven that the brain generates electric power to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
out of the box when trying to create art.

The other reason is that
Do not use a noun immediately after the pronoun 'it'. Use a verb or an adverb, or possibly some other part of speech.
it enthusiasts
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to pay attention to other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
as well
. Drawing is an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
which gives conceptual thoughts and imagination which access a
Possible spelling mistake found.
person&
#039; s brain. Due to this, the outcome in other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
lead to positivism and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
starts
to perform well and this gives them the potential to enhance their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
more.
That is
why it
is believed
that it is easier for multi-skilled
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to learn new things. A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
illustration of this is the survey made on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
who take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
and those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
is taken
as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
once a week. It
was observed
in the survey that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
performed well in all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
in those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
who take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
than those where it
is scheduled
once a week. It was
also
observed in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
that there was less number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
workshops
Possible spelling mistake. 'organised' is British English.
organised
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
Possible spelling mistake found.
don&
#039; t attend.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
It
means
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are not made aware of its importance which I believed,
also
a drawback and should
be taken
seriously
.

Taking everything into consideration, it is
highly
recommended to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
to take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
more
seriously
for better future of children which will give them capability to learn more.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
37Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Studying art in school also improves students' performance in other subjects, because it is easier for multi-skilled students to learn new things. That's why art should be obligatory in schools. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
313 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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