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Studying art in school also improves students' performance in other subjects, because it is easier for multi-skilled students to learn new things. That's why art should be obligatory in schools. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Studying art in school also improves students' performance in other subjects, because it is easier for multi-skilled students to learn new things. That's why art should be obligatory in schools. v. 1
It is true that high positions in any organisation are taken up by elderly people. However, some people are discussing that the young people might perform better while they are in charge of the company. While I agree that young people can run the business operations in an efficient manner, letting older people to control the company also have some advantages. On one hand, mature people had a rich amount of experience which they had gained while working in an organisation as compared to the younger. Secondly, intense situations, where an important decision has to be taken about the business critical operations, the experienced people tends to be more serene and confident as compared to inexperienced people. On the other hand, the young managers can run the company operations in an efficient manner if they were given permission to control it. Firstly, they can operate the modern technologies in a much better way as compared to older because they are born in modern life and learning a new skill is very easy for them. For example, the use of computers and smartphone is easy for the new generation people as compared to the mature people, which takes days and months to learn that skill. Furthermore, young people can work for longer hours as compared to older people, where most of them spent in caring for the family. To conclude, although young people can run the business operations smoothly and in an efficient way, but the experience of older people comes handy while taking important decisions.
It is true that high positions in any
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
are taken
up by elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are discussing that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
might perform better while they are in charge of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
. While I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can run the business
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
operations
Consider replacing "in an efficient manner" with the adverb for "efficient"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in an efficient manner
, letting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to control the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
also
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
advantages.

On one hand, mature
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
had a rich amount of experience which they had gained while working in an
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
as compared to the younger.
Secondly
, intense situations, where an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
decision
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
be taken
about the business critical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
operations
, the experienced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
tends
to be more serene and confident as compared to inexperienced
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

On the other hand
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
managers can run the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
operations
Consider replacing "in an efficient manner" with the adverb for "efficient"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in an efficient manner
if they were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
permission to control it.
Firstly
, they can operate the modern technologies in a much better way as compared to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
are born
in modern life and learning a new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
easy for them.
For example
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of computers and smartphone is easy for the new generation
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
as compared to the mature
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, which takes days and months to learn that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can work for longer hours as compared to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, where most of them spent in caring for the family.

To conclude
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can run the business
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
operations
smoothly
and
Consider replacing "in an efficient way" with the adverb for "efficient"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in an efficient way
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the experience of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
handy while taking
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
decisions.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Studying art in school also improves students' performance in other subjects, because it is easier for multi-skilled students to learn new things. That's why art should be obligatory in schools. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
255 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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