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Studies suggest that children spend more time watching TV than they did in the past and they spend less time in doing active or creative things. What are the causes and what methods can be used to solve the problem? v.2

Studies suggest that children spend more time watching TV than they did in the past and they spend less time in doing active or creative things. What are the causes and what methods can be used to solve the problem? v. 2
It is true that, nowadays, children would rather choose watching TV as a leisure activity than playing outside or doing creative things. While there are many various reasons for this problem, there are also many measures that could be taken to tackle this issue. There are two primary causes that make children spend more time at home and watch TV. Firstly, in modern life, parents are too busy to play or educate their kids, and as result, TV programs would be both educational and entertaining for children. Secondly, the increasing of traffic makes streets become too dangerous to play around. To protect their kids from crowded roads with vehicles, adults would disallow their youngsters to go outside with friends, so the only way that children could have fun is watching movies or cartoons on television. There are several methods that parents could take to solve the problems described above. The first measure is that allow their kids to participate some centers for children, which have outside activities such as camping, running, playing sports or swimming. Secondly, parents can sometimes bring their kids to playgrounds in malls or supermarkets where they can have fun and play with their friends. Finally, adults should find time to play with their youngsters and encourage them to do creative things at home, including painting, making crafts, playing musical instruments or writing poems. In conclusion, some reasons why children are spending more time watching TV can be identified, and some simple solutions should be taken to encourage them to do more active activities and creative things.
It is true that, nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
would
rather
choose
If 'choose' is used as a verb, it usually requires the infinitive: "to watch".
watching
TV as a leisure activity than playing outside or doing creative things. While there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
various reasons for this problem, there are
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
measures that could
be taken
to tackle this issue.

There are two primary causes that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend more time at home and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
TV.
Firstly
, in modern life, parents are too busy to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
or educate their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
, and as result, TV programs would be both educational and entertaining for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Secondly
, the increasing of traffic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
streets become too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
around. To protect their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
from crowded roads with vehicles, adults would disallow their youngsters to go outside with friends,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
way that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
could have fun is watching movies or cartoons on television.

There are several methods that parents could take to solve the problems
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
described
above. The
first
measure is that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
to participate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
centers for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, which have outside activities such as camping, running, playing sports or swimming.
Secondly
, parents can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
bring their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
to playgrounds in malls or supermarkets where they can have fun and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
with their friends.
Finally
, adults should find time to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
with their youngsters and encourage them to do creative things at home, including painting, making crafts, playing musical instruments or writing poems.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are spending more time watching TV can
be identified
, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
simple solutions should
be taken
to encourage them to do more active activities and creative things.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Studies suggest that children spend more time watching TV than they did in the past and they spend less time in doing active or creative things. What are the causes and what methods can be used to solve the problem? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
260 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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