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Studies suggest that children spend more time watching TV than they did in the past and they spend less time in doing active or creative things. What are the causes and what methods can be used to solve the problem? v.1

Studies suggest that children spend more time watching TV than they did in the past and they spend less time in doing active or creative things. What are the causes and what methods can be used to solve the problem? v. 1
Residing in a place, where we need to converse in an unknown language can lead to complications and difficult to handle. In my opinion, i agree that, speaking in an accent that is out of hand is very difficult, and need to face many challenges. However, I believe that, learning new terminologies lead to many opportunities in life. On the one hand, It is known that, there are many styles of slang all over the world, and everyone can't speak all the languages. For example, most of them are found to be convenient, to talk in the phraseology they speak since childhood, and which they learnt from their young age. Few prefer to learn languages, while others prefer to remain limited to a vocabulary which has been taught, and when they relocate to new surroundings, they face many implications in universities, companies and local markets, further making them away from common social activities. On the other hand, while failing to collaborate with society due to the illiteracy of dialect, others who are aware can easily survive in any place and with anyone, with all the needed opportunities, and requirements, including fun and game events with community and friends. For instance, it is seen that, the person who is multilingual also have the talent of understanding the psychology of people of different origin, which makes it easier for them to survive. While, others who are not known of vocalisation face isolation from others. Finally, In conclusion, I can conclude that, staying in a region where we are unaware of verbal articulation, need to face severe issues, which can be overcome when we will be aware of verbal speech. This will lead to several opportunities and socially acceptable, otherwise lead to isolation.
Residing in a place, where we need to converse in an unknown language can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lead
to complications and difficult to handle. In my opinion,
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that, speaking in an accent
that is
out of hand is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
difficult, and need to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
face
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
challenges.
However
, I believe that, learning new terminologies
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lead
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
opportunities in life.

On the one hand, It
is known
that, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
styles of slang all over the world, and everyone can't speak all the languages.
For example
, most of them
are found
to be convenient, to talk in the phraseology they speak since childhood, and which they
Possible spelling mistake. 'learnt' is British English.
learnt
from their young age. Few prefer to learn languages, while others prefer to remain limited to a vocabulary which has
been taught
, and when they relocate to new surroundings, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
face
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
implications in universities,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
and local markets,
further
making them away from common social activities.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, while failing to collaborate with society due to the illiteracy of dialect, others who are aware can
easily
survive in any place and with anyone, with all the needed opportunities, and requirements, including fun and game
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
with community and friends.
For instance
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that, the person who is multilingual
also
have the talent of understanding the psychology of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
origin, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
it easier for them to survive.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
, others who are not known of
Possible spelling mistake. 'vocalisation' is British English.
vocalisation
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
face
isolation from others.

Finally
,
In conclusion
, I can conclude that, staying in a region where we are unaware of verbal articulation, need to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
face
severe issues, which can
be overcome
when we will be aware of verbal speech. This will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lead
to several opportunities and
socially
acceptable,
otherwise
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lead
to isolation.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS essay Studies suggest that children spend more time watching TV than they did in the past and they spend less time in doing active or creative things. What are the causes and what methods can be used to solve the problem? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
290 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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