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Stress-related illnesses are becoming increasing common. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest? v.2

Stress-related illnesses are becoming increasing common. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest? v. 2
To begin with pressure and mental friction has contributed largely to human health diseases. Nowadays, it seems that there is a steep incline in such epidemics which have their roots to causes such as lack of communication and increasing workload. This essay will focus to discuss on such causes and address and identify their probable solutions. Though, there are various causes that breed such pandemics, but in my opinion the most significant of them all remain the serious lapse in communication that prevails in our society. For instance, an employee not being able to communicate his concerns or worries to his employer instigates anxiety which further evolve into a major illness. In addition to the aforementioned case, I believe the increasing workload which, along with lack of flexible work hours both in professional and personal life has elongated the stay of an otherwise weak and unstable stress. For example a student under extreme workload will always be potent to stress related illness. Nevertheless, generally speaking, despite of the cause, there are some remedial actions that can slowly but steadily eliminate such diseases. These actions include a culture of acceptance and realization as well as the establishment of institutes that collaborate with other primary institutions associated with every walk of life. It is essential to enforce such culture as it would do wonders in derailing such diseases. For example, if such culture is established people who undergo these scenarios would help each other by accepting and hiding each others flaws which will largely decrease any insecurity that might root to stress. Furthermore, the establishment of such institutions would help enable such essential institutes to cater pressure and anxiety related factors. For example, if an individual who faces these issues can seek assistance in his vary organization, it would help him immensely with his confidence and believe in society. In conclusion, although it might appear that these diseases are overpowering and may extend for a longer period of time, it is evident by the facts mentioned above that there are appropriate measures that can ensure to detain it. However, only if used aptly.
To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with pressure and mental friction has contributed
largely
to human health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
. Nowadays, it seems that there is a steep incline in such epidemics which have their roots to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
causes
such as lack of communication and increasing workload. This essay will focus to discuss on such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
causes
and address and identify their probable solutions.

Though, there are various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
causes
that breed such pandemics,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in my opinion the most significant of them all remain the serious lapse in communication that prevails in our society.
For instance
, an employee not being able to communicate his concerns or worries to his employer instigates anxiety which
further
evolve into a major illness.
In addition
to the aforementioned case, I believe the increasing workload which, along with lack of flexible work hours both in professional and personal life has elongated the stay of an
otherwise
weak and unstable
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
.
For example
a student under extreme workload will always be potent to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
related illness.

Nevertheless
,
generally
speaking,
Did you mean "despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
despite of
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cause
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
remedial actions that can
slowly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
steadily
eliminate such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
. These actions include a culture of acceptance and realization
as well
as the establishment of institutes that collaborate with other primary institutions associated with every walk of life. It is essential to enforce such culture as it would do wonders in derailing such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
.
For example
, if such culture
is established
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who undergo these scenarios would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
each other by accepting and hiding each others flaws which will
largely
decrease any insecurity that might root to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
.
Furthermore
, the establishment of such institutions would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
enable such essential institutes to cater pressure and anxiety related factors.
For example
, if an individual who faces these issues can seek assistance in his vary organization, it would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
him
immensely
with his confidence and believe in society.

In conclusion
, although it might appear that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
are overpowering and may extend for a longer period of time, it is evident by the facts mentioned above that there are appropriate measures that can ensure to detain it.
However
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
if
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
aptly
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Stress-related illnesses are becoming increasing common. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
351 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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