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Stress is now a major problem in many countries around the world. What are some of the factors in modern society that cause this stress, and how can we reduce it? v.2

Stress is now a major problem in many countries around the world. What are some of the factors in modern society that cause this stress, and how can we reduce it? v. 2
These days, anxiety and the stress are increasing around the globe. Most people are suffering from depression and other mental disorder due to the stress. There are many causes which related to this potential problem and, we can mitigate this problem by taking action individually and globally. This essay will discuss all the factors and how we can reduce it. Today, in our modern society every one trying to compete each other in acquisition of education in superior Universities, such as Waterloo university and Queen's University. As a result, student is facing great tension and they end up on depression and anxiety due to failure of getting admission in those Universities. Furthermore, most of people think that happiness is related to money, luxurious houses and car, branded clothes and purses and long trip vacation. As a result, people are working day and night to acquire those facilities, because of intense work; people don't have time for relaxation and their families which lead stress level very high. Although it is very difficult to change the human nature, but there are some method to reduce the stress. First of all, government can take the several steps to overcome with this problem. For instance, they can arrange the therapies and educational classes, which teach them how to become happy without money and other incentives. Moreover, individual also can take the various steps to reduce the stress. For example, eat healthy diet, do exercise each day, take good night sleep and spend time with their families. To sum up, there are many factor which may cause stress but we have solution to overcome with this potential problem. Government and individual can work together to reduce this problem.
These days, anxiety and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stress
are increasing around the globe. Most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are suffering from depression and other mental disorder due to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stress
. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
causes which related to this potential
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
and, we can mitigate this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
by taking action
individually
and globally. This essay will discuss all the factors and how we can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reduce
it.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
, in our modern society every one trying to compete each other in acquisition of education in superior
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Universities
, such as Waterloo
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
and Queen's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
University
.
As a result
, student is facing great
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
tension and
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up on depression and anxiety due to failure of getting admission in those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Universities
.
Furthermore
, most of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that happiness
is related
to money, luxurious
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
and car, branded clothes and purses and long trip vacation.
As a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are working day and night to acquire those facilities,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of intense work;
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
don't have time for relaxation and their families which lead
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stress
level
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
high.

Although it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
difficult to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
the human nature,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
method to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reduce
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stress
.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
can take the several steps to overcome with this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
.
For instance
, they can arrange the therapies and educational classes, which teach them how to become happy without money and other incentives.
Moreover
, individual
also
can take the various steps to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reduce
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stress
.
For example
, eat healthy diet, do exercise each day, take
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
night sleep and spend time with their families.

To sum up, there are
Possible agreement error. The noun factor seems to be countable; consider using: "many factors".
many factor
which may cause
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stress
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
we have solution to overcome with this potential
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
and individual can work together to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reduce
this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
Knowledge of languages is the doorway to wisdom.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay Stress is now a major problem in many countries around the world. What are some of the factors in modern society that cause this stress, and how can we reduce it? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
283 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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