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People doing dangerous sports activities like scuba diving and bungee jumping should be responsible for their own life and rescue workers should not risk their lives to save people doing those sports. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

People doing dangerous sports activities like scuba diving and bungee jumping should be responsible for their own life and rescue workers should not risk their lives to save people doing those sports. v. 2
The exorbitant number of people are opting for thrilling sports activities to experience an adrenaline rush. Some would argue that life-saving workers should not put their lives at stake for the sake of people, who do extreme sports, such as deep-sea diving and bungee jumping, as they are doing this with their consent. However, I completely disagree with the statement because the life of a citizen is the utmost responsibility of the government; and participants pay a hefty amount for these sports activities. To embark with, life protection is the fundamental right of the citizens because residents pay a huge amount of money as a tax to the governmental elites. In other words, many extreme sports centers are running under the state’s supervision, so it is the sole responsibility of the government to make sure that rescue workers should always be there to save people, and cope with any unforeseen situation. For example, on average a person pays 20% of their annual income to the government as a tax to enjoy the basic rights of a citizen, and hence, the competent authorities use this money on such projects. What is more, the rescue workers receive a handsome remuneration as compensation for the services they give in any unforeseen circumstances. This is to say that rescuing people in these sports is part of a job duty and they do this willfully. Additionally, this money mostly came from the participant because they are charged heavily by the officials who conduct life-threatening sports. For instance, in Canada, the average salary of a rescue worker, working in river rafting sport is $8000 per month which is ranked fifth number in the highly paid jobs. To conclude, this essay completely disagrees with the notion that the rescue department must provide their services to the people, who take part in extreme sports because it is included in the job duties of a worker and being a citizen government must protect lives of their citizens.
The exorbitant number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are opting for thrilling
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
activities to experience an adrenaline rush.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
would argue that life-saving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
should not put their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
at stake for the sake of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, who do extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
, such as deep-sea diving and bungee jumping, as they are doing this with their consent.
However
, I completely disagree with the statement
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the life of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizen
is the utmost responsibility of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
; and participants pay a hefty amount for these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
activities.

To embark with, life protection is the fundamental right of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
residents pay a huge amount of money as a tax to the governmental elites.
In other words
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
centers are running under the state’s supervision,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it is the sole responsibility of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
sure that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rescue
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
should always be there to save
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, and cope with any unforeseen situation.
For example
, on average a person pays 20% of their annual income to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
as a tax to enjoy the basic rights of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizen
, and
hence
, the competent authorities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
this money on such projects.

What is more
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rescue
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
receive a handsome remuneration as compensation for the services they give in any unforeseen circumstances. This is to say that rescuing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
is part of a job
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
duty and
they do this
willfully
.
Additionally
, this money
mostly
came from the participant
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
are charged
heavily
by the officials who conduct life-threatening
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
.
For instance
, in Canada, the average salary of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rescue
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
worker
, working in river rafting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
is $8000 per month which
is ranked
fifth number in the
highly
paid jobs.

To conclude
, this essay completely disagrees with the notion that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rescue
department
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
provide their services to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it
is included
in the job duties of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
worker
and being a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizen
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
protect
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
31Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay People doing dangerous sports activities like scuba diving and bungee jumping should be responsible for their own life and rescue workers should not risk their lives to save people doing those sports. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
328 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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