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Sport is becoming a business with high income for professionals and more companies have involved in financial and in other ways. Is it a positive or negative development v.3

Sport is becoming a business with high income for professionals and more companies have involved in financial and in other ways. Is it a positive or negative development v. 3
It is true that sport has been becoming a multi-billion-dollar industry in which many professionals have received big sums of money and enterprises have involved in not financial issues but other ways. Despite the fact that this tendency has some demerits, I still believe that it is a positive development. On the one hand, there are some negative effects resulted from this trend. Firstly, this might create an unfairness between individuals in society since many companies strongly invest their money in sport games, which would be used as great awards for brilliant players. For example, in the V-league 2018, the winner team has received billions of Vietnam dong from great corporations in each tournament. Although each team member has trained rigorously in order to win the championship, it still seems to me that they could earn their living much easier than others in society. In fact, many employees who have great contribution to society’s development including teachers or doctors are really poorly paid. In addition, allocating huge budget in sporting events might also mean that business would spend less on subsidizing homeless people or contributing to charity programs. However, I would argue that the above trend is a positive development. The first reason is that the audience would be able to watch spectacular competitions since the gamers have tried to put great effort in intense training to gain success and the victory in each match bring honors to not individuals, groups but also to the whole country. Moreover, with the new technique and equipment which have been invested, athletes could practice and perform in the best condition. This in turn helps the national entertainment industry develops, which provide people with a variety of choice in their pastime. Most importantly, through those sporting events, sponsoring companies could effectively do marketing and maximize their profits. In conclusion, the fact that sport has become a business is an irreversible trend. While this development has dark side, I am convinced that it is a positive development.
It is true that sport has been becoming a multi-billion-dollar industry in which
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
professionals have received
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
sums of money and enterprises have involved in not financial issues
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
other ways. Despite the fact that this tendency has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
demerits, I
still
believe that it is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development.

On the one hand, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects resulted from this trend.
Firstly
, this might create an unfairness between individuals in society since
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
strongly
invest their money in sport games, which would be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
great
awards for brilliant players.
For example
, in the V-league 2018, the winner team has received billions of Vietnam dong from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
great
corporations in each tournament. Although each team member has trained
rigorously
in order to win the championship, it
still
seems to me that they could earn their living much easier than others in society. In fact,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
employees who have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
great
contribution to society’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
including teachers or doctors are
really
poorly
paid.
In addition
, allocating huge budget in sporting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
might
also
mean that business would spend less on subsidizing homeless
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
or contributing to charity programs.

However
, I would argue that the above trend is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
. The
first
reason is that the audience would be able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
spectacular competitions since the gamers have tried to put
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
great
effort in intense training to gain success and the victory in each match bring honors to not individuals, groups
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
to the whole country.
Moreover
, with the new technique and equipment which have
been invested
, athletes could practice and perform in the best condition. This in turn
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
the national entertainment industry develops, which provide
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
with a variety of choice in their pastime. Most
importantly
, through those sporting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
, sponsoring
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
could
effectively
do marketing and maximize their profits.

In conclusion
, the fact that sport has become a business is an irreversible trend. While this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
has dark side, I
am convinced
that it is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes
As a hawk flieth not high with one wing, even so a man reacheth not to excellence with one tongue.
Roger Ascham

IELTS essay Sport is becoming a business with high income for professionals and more companies have involved in financial and in other ways. Is it a positive or negative development v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
332 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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