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Sport is becoming a business with high income for professionals and more companies have involved in financial and in other ways. It is a positive or negative development? v.2

Sport is becoming a business with high income for professionals and more companies have involved in financial and in other ways. It is a positive or negative development? v. 2
These days, professional athletes can earn a great deal of money as sports have become a lucrative employment. Furthermore, this trade is supported by many companies in various ways, including sponsorships and so forth. From my perspective, this is more of a positive development. To begin with, paying a big amount of money for sports people can be considered beneficial to sports. When these people find their career rewarding enough in terms of earnings, they are more likely to have greater motivation to devote hard work and time to their training. As a result, these athletes are able to enhance their performance in competition and gain more medals for themselves or for their own country. In Brazil, sports have become an industry that receives huge investments from companies like Wilkes and Banco. Brazilian footballers are paid millions of dollars a year just to bring victory to their country, explaining why this nation has won so many championships. It is advantageous for sports when businesses pour a lot of money and support into the industry. Since HAGL, a prosperous work group in Vietnam, allocated billions of Vietnam Dong to the construction of a sports institute to provide young football players with professional training, the Vietnamese national football team has become much stronger. Being well-trained, they now have a better chance of winning more championships and awards than their predecessors. Other companies in Vietnam also use images of popular sports idols in advertisements on social media for another purpose. Aiming at all walks of life, they inspire people to have a greater passion for sports, potentially increasing the number of talented athletes. In conclusion, sport can benefit a great deal from becoming a field as it will help to improve the popularity of playing sport and leading a healthy lifestyle, while professional athletes will have more financial incentives to improve their performance.
These days, professional athletes can earn a great deal of money as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
have become a lucrative employment.
Furthermore
, this trade
is supported
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
in various ways, including sponsorships and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
forth. From my perspective, this is more of a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, paying a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
amount of money for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can
be considered
beneficial to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
. When these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
find their career rewarding
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
in terms of earnings, they are more likely to have greater motivation to devote
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work and time to their training.
As a result
, these athletes are able to enhance their performance in competition and gain more medals for themselves or for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
country. In Brazil,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
have become an industry that receives huge investments from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
like Wilkes and
Possible spelling mistake found.
Banco
. Brazilian footballers
are paid
millions of dollars a year
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
to bring victory to their country, explaining why this nation has won
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
championships.

It is advantageous for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
when businesses pour
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money and support into the industry. Since
Possible spelling mistake found.
HAGL
, a prosperous work group in Vietnam, allocated billions of Vietnam Dong to the construction of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
institute to provide young football players with professional training, the Vietnamese national football team has become much stronger. Being well-trained, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
have a better chance of winning more championships and awards than their predecessors. Other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
in Vietnam
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
images of popular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
idols in advertisements on social media for another purpose. Aiming at all walks of life, they inspire
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to have a greater passion for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
,
potentially
increasing the number of talented athletes.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
can benefit a great deal from becoming a field as it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the popularity of playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
and leading a healthy lifestyle, while professional athletes will have more financial incentives to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their performance.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Sport is becoming a business with high income for professionals and more companies have involved in financial and in other ways. It is a positive or negative development? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
310 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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