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Sport is becoming a business with high income for professionals and more companies have involved in financial investment and in other ways. Is it a positive or negative development? v.1

Sport is becoming a business with high income for professionals and more companies have involved in financial investment and in other ways. Is it a positive or negative development? v. 1
It is generally recognized that today, more organizations invest money and other factors on sports, particularly on sportspeople who play well, so that they can get high stipend. My view on this matter is that it includes more merits rather than demerits. First of all, companies will doubtlessly benefit from a high profit when they sponsor a sport event, a tryout or an athlete to attend a contest. In particular, we can easily see numerous brands distinctly shown on TV screens and advertisements when we watch a sport competition in a stadium. For this reason, some of us may find the suitable products for our houses or bodies that we need thanks to those, and our purchasing goods which have their brands will contribute to an increase sale of a company. Second of all, as the more money is put on sports, the more well-developed sport is. Therefore, the demand for coaches, specialists, health inspectors, event organizers, assistants and sports players will gradually raise which is the most effective solution for unemployment in a country. Furthermore, individuals who pursue some rare fields relating to sports will be able to show themselves and gain success. To my point of view, this trend also helps athletes, especially well-known ones, earn money more quickly. To illustrate, when footballers win a sponsored match whose prizes and trophies cost a fortune, they can enjoy they enormous amount of money after 90 minutes or a few days which is a short period of time. Otherwise, if a sport star agrees to sign a commercial contract, a company will have to pay a lot of money for him. Thereby, he is capable of making money effortlessly. Another good point is that, as I perceive, competitors will be more motivated and ambitious after knowing how valuable a reward is. Hence, either they win or not, they still learn lessons about dreams, efforts and belief in themselves. Summing up, I am convinced that not only does financial support positively affect organizations and jobless people but also help sports participants to make lots of money and to be successful.
It is
generally
recognized that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
, more organizations invest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and other factors on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
,
particularly
on sportspeople who play well,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
high stipend. My view on this matter is that it includes more merits
rather
than demerits.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
will
doubtlessly
benefit from a high profit when they sponsor a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
, a tryout or an athlete to attend a contest.
In particular
, we can
easily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
numerous brands
distinctly
shown on TV screens and advertisements when we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
competition in a stadium.
For this reason
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of us may find the suitable products for our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
or bodies that we need thanks to those, and our purchasing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
which have their brands will contribute to an increase sale of a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
. Second of all, as the more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is put
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
, the more well-developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
is.
Therefore
, the demand for coaches, specialists, health inspectors,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
organizers, assistants and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
players will
gradually
raise which is the most effective solution for unemployment in a country.
Furthermore
, individuals who pursue
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
rare fields relating to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
will be able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
themselves and gain success.

To my point of view, this trend
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
athletes,
especially
well-known ones, earn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
more
quickly
. To illustrate, when footballers win a sponsored match whose prizes and trophies cost a fortune, they can enjoy they enormous amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
after 90 minutes or a few days which is a short period of time.
Otherwise
, if a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
star
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agrees
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sign
a commercial contract, a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
will
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
pay
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for him. Thereby, he is capable of making
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
effortlessly
. Another
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
point is that, as I perceive, competitors will be more motivated and ambitious after knowing how valuable a reward is.
Hence
, either they win or not, they
still
learn lessons about dreams, efforts and belief in themselves.

Summing up, I
am convinced
that not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
does financial support
positively
affect organizations and jobless
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
participants to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
lots of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and to be successful.
16Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Sport is becoming a business with high income for professionals and more companies have involved in financial investment and in other ways. Is it a positive or negative development? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
349 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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