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Sometimes people think that young people should be encouraged to leave their family at certain age, while others think that it is better for them to remain with their families. What is your view. v.3

Sometimes people think that young people should be encouraged to leave their family at certain age, while others think that it is better for them to remain with their families. What is your view. v. 3
Some people believed that youngsters are predisposed to many risks, and thus, should stay back in their homes at all times. However, others think that they should be supported to leave their families at some time. In my view, growing children should be given opportunity to live away from their homes from about 14 to 15 years. One good reason why young ones should be encouraged to leave their house at some age is the need to become independent. This could be achieved by registering them in a boarding school where they would live in the school environment under scrutiny with other students. By this means, they not only become independent, but also learn how to interact with strangers, thereby improving on both communication and social skills. For instance, I could remember that when I was in the college, I relied on my parents for virtually everything, such as waking up in the morning and washing my clothes, in junior classes because I was a day student, but I became so independent while in senior classes when I moved to live in the boarding room. Another point to consider is that living outside one's house enables young persons to learn other people's way of life. In other words, they would have a diversified knowledge and culture. It may also include good moral behaviours and other skills such as a style of cooking, prayer and respect. For example, my nephew, John, who was known to be very rude was noticed to have become very obedient after spending 5 weeks holidays in his uncle's place in Abuja. His sudden change was attributed to the attitudes of his cousins whom are known to be calm, humble and respectful. In conclusion, although people may vary in their opinion, I believe that being independent and having diversified knowledge are very important reasons why youngsters should be motivated to leave their families at about 14 to 15 years sometimes.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believed that youngsters
are predisposed
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
, and
thus
, should stay back in their homes at all times.
However
, others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that they should
be supported
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their families at
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
time. In my view, growing children should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
opportunity to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
away from their homes from about 14 to 15 years.

One
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
reason why young ones should
be encouraged
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
at
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
age is the need to become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
independent
. This could
be achieved
by registering them in a boarding school where they would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in the school environment under scrutiny with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
students. By this means, they not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
independent
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
learn how to interact with strangers, thereby improving on both communication and social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
For instance
, I could remember that when I was in the college, I relied on my parents for
virtually
everything, such as waking up in the morning and washing my clothes, in junior classes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
I was a day student,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I became
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
independent
while in senior classes when I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
moved
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in the boarding room.

Another point to consider is that living outside one's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
enables young persons to learn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's way of life. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, they would have a diversified knowledge and culture. It may
also
include
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
moral
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
such as a style of cooking, prayer and respect.
For example
, my nephew, John, who
was known
to be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
rude
was noticed
to have become
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
obedient after spending 5 weeks holidays in his uncle's place in Abuja. His sudden
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
was attributed
to the attitudes of his cousins whom
are known
to be calm, humble and respectful.

In conclusion
, although
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
may vary in their opinion, I believe that being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
independent
and having diversified knowledge are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
reasons why youngsters should
be motivated
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their families at about 14 to 15 years
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Sometimes people think that young people should be encouraged to leave their family at certain age, while others think that it is better for them to remain with their families. What is your view. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
323 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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