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Sometimes people think that young people should be encouraged to leave their family at certain age, while others think that it’s better for them to remain with their families. What is your view? v.1

Sometimes people think that young people should be encouraged to leave their family at certain age, while others think that it’s better for them to remain with their families. What is your view? v. 1
Today, youth is facing to make a decision as to whether they live their parents or not. While a number people, sometimes, believe that parents should encourage their young adults to leave the family home after a particular age, others believe that those adults had better stay for them at their family home. This essay will discuss why young people eventually should leave their family at a certain age. First of all, many of young people want to leave the place they grew up in when they become a mature individual. So, why do youth people desire to do so? It is thought that young people can learn to live independently after leaving the family, which is the best way to gain valuable life experiences. For instance, young adults, who live with their parents despite the fact that they became mature, more likely suffer from managing tasks related to household than those who have the ability to live independently from an earlier age. Therefore, leaving the family from a certain age is beneficial to young adults. Secondly, living independently forms positively personality. People, who live alone, can learn to have responsibilities and manage their life. For instance, the majority of university students, who lives independently in their own flat, learn to be responsible for their decisions, and to manage their budget. Moreover, a number of education experts say that these students will be successful and have a sense of responsibility in the future as adults. Thus, it is less likely becoming a responsible adult as well as managing their money unless youngsters experience to live independently of their families. In conclusion, although some people think that young people should live with their family, in my opinion, living independently of the family is more advantageous for young people. It is because an independent life has taught people plenty of life skills such as building a sense of responsibility and money management over a period of a hundred year.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
, youth is facing to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a decision
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether", or rephrase the sentence to avoid "as to".
as to whether
they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
their parents or not. While a number
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
, believe that parents should encourage their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
home after a particular age, others believe that those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
had better stay for them at their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
home. This essay will discuss why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
eventually
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
at a certain age.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
the place they grew up in when they become a mature individual.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, why do youth
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
desire to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
? It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can learn to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
independently
after leaving the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
, which is the best way to gain valuable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
experiences.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
with their parents despite the fact that they became mature, more likely suffer from managing tasks related to household than those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have the ability to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
The usual collocation for "independently" is "of" not "from". Did you mean "independently of"?
independently from
an earlier age.
Therefore
, leaving the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
from a certain age is beneficial to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
adults.

Secondly
, living
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
independently
forms
positively
personality.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
alone, can learn to have responsibilities and manage their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
For instance
, the majority of university students,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
independently
in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
flat, learn to be responsible for their decisions, and to manage their budget.
Moreover
, a number of education experts say that these students will be successful and have a sense of responsibility in the future as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
.
Thus
, it is less likely becoming a responsible adult
as well
as managing their money unless youngsters experience to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
independently
of their families.

In conclusion
, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
, in my opinion, living
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
independently
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
is more advantageous for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
an independent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
has taught
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
such as building a sense of responsibility and money management over a period of a hundred year.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Sometimes people think that young people should be encouraged to leave their family at certain age, while others think that it’s better for them to remain with their families. What is your view? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
327 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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