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In some societies the number of crime committed by teenagers is growing. Some people think that regardless of age, teenagers who commit major crime should receive adult punishment. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

In some societies the number of crime committed by teenagers is growing. Some people think that regardless of age, teenagers who commit major crime should receive adult punishment. v. 1
In some parts of the world, there have been a rise in the crime attributed to the youths. Hence, it is argued by some people that youngsters who commit serious crime should be punished like adults. I disagree with this view, as it is unjust, while it would expose teenagers to corrupting influences. First of all, it would be not be fair for teenagers that break important laws to serve the same punishment as adults. Many youths do not have the same experience as adults and they lack a full understanding of the laws and the judicial process. As a result, it would amount to injustice when these ones receive adults' punishments. For example, it would not be right for a 14 year old involved in physical assault that endangers the life of his peers to serve the same punishment an adult who commit similar crime receives. Thus, underage lawbreakers should not have the same punishments as adults. Furthermore, teenagers who are punished as grownups may be negatively affected. Often, adults who break major laws are confined to prison, an act which will have deleterious consequences for young ones, owing to the fact that they could be exposed to other criminal acts by hardened criminal when they are in prison. For instance, underaged lawbreakers in the United States of America are kept in juvenile correctional facilities to deter them from the undesired influences from adult criminals. Therefore, when youngsters are punished like adults, they could be negatively affected by other criminals. In conclusion, teenagers who break major laws should not be punished like adults, since it would not be just and they could be easily influenced by adult criminals. Efforts geared towards promoting this view should be encouraged.
In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
parts of the world, there have been a rise in the crime attributed to the youths.
Hence
, it
is argued
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
that youngsters
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
commit serious crime should be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punished
like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
. I disagree with this view, as it is unjust, while it would expose
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
to corrupting influences.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it would be not
Consider using a past participle here: "been".
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
that break
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
laws
to serve the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punishment
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
youths do not have the same experience as
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
adults and
they lack a full understanding of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
laws
and the judicial process.
As a result
, it would amount to injustice when
This phrase is probably grammatically incorrect. Write "these" instead.
these ones
receive adults'
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punishments
.
For example
, it would not be right for a
When a number forms part of an adjectival compound, use a hyphen: "14-year"
14 year
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
involved in physical assault that endangers the life of his peers to serve the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punishment
an adult
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
commit similar crime receives.
Thus
, underage lawbreakers should not have the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punishments
as adults.

Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punished
as grownups may be
negatively
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Often
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
break major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
laws
are confined
to prison, an act which will have deleterious consequences for young ones, owing to the fact that they could
be exposed
to other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminal
acts by hardened
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminal
when they are in prison.
For instance
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
underaged
lawbreakers in the United States of America are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
in juvenile correctional facilities to deter them from the undesired influences from adult
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
.
Therefore
, when youngsters are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punished
like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
, they could be
negatively
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by other criminals.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
break major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
laws
should not be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punished
like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
, since it would not be
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
just and
they could be
easily
influenced by adult
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
. Efforts geared towards promoting this view should
be encouraged
.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes
To learn a language is to have one more window from which to look at the world.
Chinese Proverb

IELTS essay In some societies the number of crime committed by teenagers is growing. Some people think that regardless of age, teenagers who commit major crime should receive adult punishment. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
288 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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