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Someone suggests school to cut the Recycling. Do you agree or disagreewith this suggestion, explain why. v.1

Someone suggests school to cut the Recycling. with this suggestion, explain why. v. 1
Society these days are becoming obsessed with the material goods and luxuries like expensive cars, branded clothes and high value and dazzling jewellery. On the flip side, the people don’t care about the moral values as a consequence families are breaking, the value system created by our ancestors is damaging. I firmly believe the materialistic nature of humans is the root of all these problems. These days everyone wants to live a life with all the comforts. But the people don’t care whatever it costs them. When the persons go for shopping, a chemical names Dopamine is released in their mind that gives them a feeling of joy. So people are more and more attracted towards this enjoyment. Meanwhile the masses do not bother about the feelings of their partners or what stress their partner will go through to buy that materialistic comfort. However, the real satisfaction of being with families, loving the family members and caring for each other’s needs is left behind in the race of life. Everybody is living a life of competition, which is making them to run for such goals and ambitions which can be bought on the price of leaving the family members. It can be stated that such race makes the people wealthy of all the luxuries but poor with the moral ethics and personal relationships. It can be concluded that people should aim to get good wealth and comfort but must never forget about the family ethics, values and the people that support the one in his or her journey.
Society these days are becoming obsessed with the material
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
and luxuries like expensive cars, branded clothes and high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
value
and dazzling
Possible spelling mistake. 'jewellery' is British English.
jewellery
. On the flip side, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
don’t care about the moral values as a consequence
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
are breaking, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
value
system created by our ancestors is damaging. I
firmly
believe the materialistic nature of humans is the root of all these problems.

These days everyone wants to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a life with all the comforts.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
don’t care whatever it costs them. When the persons go for shopping, a chemical names Dopamine
is released
in their mind that gives them a feeling of joy.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are more and more attracted towards this enjoyment.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Meanwhile
the masses do not bother about the feelings of their partners or what
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
their partner will go through to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
that materialistic comfort.

However
, the real satisfaction of being with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
, loving the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members and caring for each other’s needs is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
behind in the race of life. Everybody is living a life of competition, which is making them to run for such goals and ambitions which can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
on the price of leaving the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members. It can
be stated
that such race
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
wealthy of all the luxuries
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
poor with the moral ethics and personal relationships.

It can
be concluded
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should aim to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
wealth and comfort
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
never forget about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
ethics, values and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that support the one in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
journey.
1Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS essay Someone suggests school to cut the Recycling. with this suggestion, explain why. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
258 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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