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Some young people leaving the countryside to live in cities and towns, leaving only old people in the countryside. What problems are caused by this issue? What can be done to resolve this situation? v.1

Some young people leaving the countryside to live in cities and towns, leaving only old people in the countryside. What problems are caused by this issue? What can be done to resolve this situation? v. 1
It is often argued that elderly people are more salubrious and happier in the bygone era, as they are indulge in more physical activities and invest good time with their kith and kin. However, nowadays they are surrounded by isolation and many other health issues. There are plethora of reason behind this situation and by taking some measures we can curb this problem. To embark with, Firstly the technological advancement is the primary reason for the bad health of the older people. In earlier times, people use to do their all household chores with hand and oftenly use cycles for commuting. Consequently, they enjoy a good health. But these days, all the physical work is overtaken by the machines which results in causing many pernicious diseases like obesity and more among the older people. For example, people prefer car over cycle for local commuting to live a comfortable life. Secondly, in this modern era the jobs become over demanding. Thus, older people barely get time from their hectic schedule to spend time with their families. As a result, they feel depressed and isolated. To overcome the above problems, the older people should be encouraged to indulge themselves in physical activities such as yoga, morning and evening walk and a lot more. Thus, this lead them to enjoy healthy life. For instance, a study by the World Health Organisation has proven that people who perform physical workout are more agile and happy than others who prefer no physical activity. Additionally, the companies should bless their employ with work from home facility which help the elderly people to spend quality time with their loved ones without impacting their work. As a result, they do not feel lonely and depressed. In conclusion, the over demanding jobs and advanced technology are the main cause behind the bad health and loneliness of the older people these days. Thus, by taking the above measures we can overcome these problems and help them to enjoy a healthy and stress free life.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued that elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are more salubrious and happier in the bygone era, as they are
Consider using a past participle here: "indulged".
indulge
in more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
activities and invest
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with their kith and kin.
However
, nowadays they
are surrounded
by isolation and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
issues. There are plethora of reason behind this situation and by taking
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
measures we can curb this problem.

To embark with,
Firstly
the technological advancement is the primary reason for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. In earlier
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
Make sure that 'use to' is correct. For habitual actions in the past or to mean 'accustomed to', use "used to".
use to
do their all household chores with hand and
Possible spelling mistake found.
oftenly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
cycles for commuting.
Consequently
, they enjoy a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
these days, all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
work
is overtaken
by the machines which results in causing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
pernicious diseases like obesity and more among the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
Use "to" with "prefer." You probably meant this: "prefer car to cycle".
prefer car over cycle
for local commuting to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a comfortable life.
Secondly
, in this modern era the jobs become over demanding.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
barely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
from their hectic schedule to spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with their families.
As a result
, they feel depressed and isolated.

To overcome the above problems, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
be encouraged
to indulge themselves in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
activities such as yoga, morning and evening walk and a lot more.
Thus
, this lead them to enjoy healthy life.
For instance
, a study by the World
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Health
Possible spelling mistake. 'Organisation' is British English.
Organisation
has proven that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who perform
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
workout are more agile and happy than others who prefer no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
activity.
Additionally
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
should bless their employ with work from home facility which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to spend quality
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
ones without impacting their work.
As a result
, they do not feel lonely and depressed.

In conclusion
, the over demanding jobs and advanced technology are the main cause behind the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and loneliness of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
these days.
Thus
, by taking the above measures we can overcome these problems and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to enjoy a healthy and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
free life.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some young people leaving the countryside to live in cities and towns, leaving only old people in the countryside. What problems are caused by this issue? What can be done to resolve this situation? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
334 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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