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Some young children participate in a wide variety of extra-curricular activities such as music, sports, or photography. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this. v.2

Some young children participate in a wide variety of extra-curricular activities such as music, sports, or photography. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this. v. 2
Some people believe students just should study and it isn’t necessary to allocate time for additional activities. On the other hand, others assert students should attend various marginal tasks in order to feel better and get some useful skills. Some people think that the main job of students is to have a great effort in their studying because the level of their education will shape their life situation in the future. In fact, this group of people believe that though it may seem boring for students to spend their entire time for studying but its consequences will compensate all this hardships completely. For instance, a good student who tries his best on education will get many skills and abilities and after graduating will find a well-paid job. From my perspective, this isn’t a persuasive reason because I think students by time management and having a practical schedule can do better because this kind of life style will provide them with plenty of profits. First, these kind of activities will provide many opportunities for students to have fun together and by this way their education won’t be boring anymore. In fact, students will have a multi-dimension life style and this is exciting because they can experience some stuffs in various aspects. For instance, by attending sports clubs students can do some energetic activities together and this will transfer them to an excellent mood. Moreover, playing sports will give them a healthy body hence they can think and study better and this will develop their educational status. Second, students can get new skills and they can implement these new abilities to find a part-time job and this will help them either financially or even by giving them a sense of independence. For example, by learning professional photography students can make a fair amount of money from taking digital pictures for students’ accounts on social networks. More importantly, these additional talents will offer students a reason to honor themselves and boost their self-confidence. Consider playing a musical instrument, a student with this ability will have a higher level of self-esteem because he can do this in parties and show his command to other students. Meanwhile, playing music will have some benefits such as relaxing and removing exhaustion. As a conclusion, I personally believe that volunteering in extra-curricular activities in a moderated way will give students many advantages by which they can amend their both personal and professional lives. Indeed, in weighing pros and cons its benefits picturesquely outweigh disadvantages.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
should study and it isn’t necessary to allocate time for additional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
.
On the other hand
, others assert
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should attend various marginal tasks in order to feel better and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
useful
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the main job of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
is to have a great effort in their studying
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the level of their education will shape their life situation in the future. In fact, this group of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that though it may seem boring for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to spend their entire time for studying
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
its consequences will compensate all
Did you mean "these"?
this
hardships completely.
For instance
, a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
who tries his best on education will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and abilities and after graduating will find a well-paid job. From my perspective, this isn’t a persuasive reason
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
by time management and having a practical schedule can do better
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
this kind of life style will provide them with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of profits.

First
,
Did you mean "this kind" or "these kinds"?
these kind
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
will provide
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
opportunities for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to have fun together and by this way their education won’t be boring anymore. In fact,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
will have a multi-dimension life style and this is exciting
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they can experience
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
stuffs in various aspects.
For instance
, by attending sports clubs
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
energetic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
together and this will transfer them to an excellent mood.
Moreover
, playing sports will give them a healthy body
hence
they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
and study better and this will develop their educational status.

Second,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
new
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
skills and
they can implement these new abilities to find a part-time job and this will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them either
financially
or even by giving them a sense of independence.
For example
, by learning professional photography
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
amount of money from taking digital pictures for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students’
accounts on social networks. More
importantly
, these additional talents will offer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
a reason to honor themselves and boost their self-confidence. Consider playing a musical instrument, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
with this ability will have a higher level of self-esteem
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
he can do this in parties and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
his command to other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. Meanwhile, playing music will have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
benefits such as relaxing and removing exhaustion.

As a conclusion, I
personally
believe that volunteering in extra-curricular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
in a moderated way will give
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
advantages by which they can amend their both personal and professional
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
Indeed
, in weighing pros and cons its benefits
picturesquely
outweigh disadvantages.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Some young children participate in a wide variety of extra-curricular activities such as music, sports, or photography. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
416 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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