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Some young children participate in a wide range of extra-curricular activities such as music, sports, or photography. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this. Use specific reasons and details to support your response. v.2

Some young children participate in a wide range of extra-curricular activities such as music, sports, or photography. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this. Use specific reasons and details to support your response. v. 2
Nowadays, participating in extra-curricular is becoming increasingly popular. For some children, taking extra-curricular class brings them a lot of happiness. However, there are both pros and cons to decide to join it. In this essay, I will discuss why extra-curricular is so popular and some of the dark sides to be overcome. Let’s begin by looking at the advantages of enrolling extra-curricular classes. One of the main positives of entering this kind of activities is that it offers children an opportunity to shape and direct their passions. At school, teachers always ask students focus on academic curriculum and forget that some of them can perform better at music, art or sports rather than academic learning. In contrast, through extra-curricular activities, students can explore their interests while they are still in school. Take “The voice kids” for example. This contest help teens to test out if they have potential talent for music. Thanks to the show, many beautiful voices have been found out and the owners are given chances to follow and develop their passion. Secondly, extra-curricular activities is a secret for the university life. Colleges and universities are looking for well-rounded children. While high grades serve as a testament for academic ability, it doesn’t indicate the person the applicant is. Mere mention of extra-curricular activities can help students to increase the odds of admission. Obviously, enrolling in extra-curricular activities is not only a perfect platform for passion pursuit but the key to succeed in university application of the young as well. Turning to the other side of the argument, the ability to distinguish between interests and priorities is a major problem. Although out-of-school activities is are just addition to the regular schooling days, some students can’t gauget whether extra-curricular activities or schoolwork is more important. Clearly, teens find it hard to deny the urge to do something they love compared to other priorities. Consciously or unconsciously, they deny the academic priorities to follow passion, which can have a negative affect on their academic performance. Another issue is extra expense along with those activities. No matter what kind of activtities teens choose, expense is required. If a child learns to play music, her parents will have to spend a lot of money to rent or buy instruments and find a good teacher. Similarly, skating activity requires a good quality skaters, or it may be cost for shoes and uniform for dancing. Thesedays the cost of living is sharply increasing, which asks many parents to do extra work to provide for extra-curricular activities of their babies. All things considered, there are clearly both positives and negatives to enroll extra-curricular activities. While it is known as a great way to explore passions and apply to university, for many people there are many differences to face with. Personally, I believe the benefits in term of personal growth eventually outweigh any negatives.
Nowadays, participating in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extra-curricular
is becoming
increasingly
popular. For
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
children, taking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extra-curricular
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
brings them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
happiness.
However
, there are both pros and cons to decide to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
it. In this essay, I will discuss why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extra-curricular
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
popular and
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
dark sides to
be overcome
.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Let
’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
by looking at the advantages of enrolling
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extra-curricular
classes. One of the main positives of entering this kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
is that it offers children an opportunity to shape and direct their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
passions
. At school, teachers always ask
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
focus on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
curriculum and forget that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them can perform better at music, art or sports
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
learning.
In contrast
, through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extra-curricular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can explore their interests while they are
still
in school. Take “The voice kids”
for example
. This contest
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
teens to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
test
out if they have potential talent for music. Thanks to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
voices have
been found
out and the owners are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
chances to follow and develop their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
passion
.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extra-curricular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
is a secret for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
life. Colleges and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
are looking for well-rounded children. While high grades serve as a testament for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
ability, it doesn’t indicate the person the applicant is. Mere mention of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extra-curricular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to increase the odds of admission.
Obviously
, enrolling in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extra-curricular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a perfect platform for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
passion
pursuit
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the key to succeed in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
application of the young
as well
.

Turning to the other side of the argument, the ability to distinguish between interests and priorities is a major problem. Although out-of-school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
is are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
addition to the regular schooling days,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can’t
Possible spelling mistake found.
gauget
whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extra-curricular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
or schoolwork is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
.
Clearly
, teens find it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to deny the urge to do something they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
compared to other priorities.
Consciously
or
unconsciously
, they deny the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
priorities to follow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
passion
, which can have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
Did you mean "effect"?
affect
on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
performance. Another issue is extra expense along with those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
. No matter what kind of
Possible spelling mistake found.
activtities
teens choose, expense
is required
. If a child learns to play music, her parents will
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money to rent or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
instruments and find a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
teacher.
Similarly
, skating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
requires a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
quality
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "skater"?
skaters
, or it may
be cost
for shoes and uniform for dancing.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Thesedays
the cost of living is
sharply
increasing, which asks
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
parents to do extra work to provide for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extra-curricular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
of their babies.

All things considered, there are
clearly
both positives and negatives to enroll
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extra-curricular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
. While it
is known
as a great way to explore
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
passions
and apply to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
, for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
differences to face with.
Personally
, I believe the benefits in term of personal growth
eventually
outweigh any negatives.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
40Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Some young children participate in a wide range of extra-curricular activities such as music, sports, or photography. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this. Use specific reasons and details to support your response. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
477 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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