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Some people participate in extra-curricular activities such as volunteering in charitable events or joining dance groups to gain more knowledge and experience. Others simply focus on their goals such as academic studies or work. Which do you think helps in improving a person’s knowledge and experience? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer. v.1

Some people participate in extra-curricular activities such as volunteering in charitable events or joining dance groups to gain more knowledge and experience. Others simply focus on their goals such as academic studies or work. Which do you think helps in improving a person’s knowledge and experience? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer. v. 1
There has been an accelerating trend of people taking part in extra-curricular activities such as volunteering in charitable events or becoming a dancer in some crew in order to gain more knowledge. But there are others who simply focus on their goals through academic learning or work. From my perspective, participating in after-school activities helps broaden a person’s horizons and experience. Without a doubt, extra-curricular activities play a significant role in our lives, we can achieve extraordinary value from it. Additionally, through these activities, lots of skill such as team spirit, teamwork, cooperation could be obtained. Furthermore, people are volunteering in charitable events which help exposing their compassion, developing their event management skills. Some attend in seminars, increasing their communication skills, concentration power to diminish the stage fear. On the other hand, some sections of the population believe that academic studies and work should be focused to gain knowledge. Because they deem that other activities will distract us and keeps us away from our goals. It is certainly true, but taking part in other activities is also crucial. For instance, academic learning is vital for them, but social skills, which could be obtained through activities, are also needed for a brighter future but they are not provided in schools. To illustrate, normally, the teacher does not teach you how to lead a group of people or organize a charity event. Additionally, students can easily get bored with studying and these activities act as an efficient stress reliever method. In conclusion, many skills are essential in order for one person to meet their goals, these skills can be achieved through various kinds of extra-curricular activities. As my perspective, participating in multi-occupation is better than focusing on learning only.
There has been an accelerating trend of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
taking part in extra-curricular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
such as volunteering in charitable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
or becoming a dancer in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
crew in order to gain more knowledge.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
there are others who
simply
focus on their goals
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
through
academic learning or work. From my perspective, participating in after-school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
broaden a person’s horizons and experience.

Without a doubt, extra-curricular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
play a significant role in our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
, we can achieve extraordinary value from it.
Additionally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
through
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
, lots of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skill
such as team spirit, teamwork, cooperation could
be obtained
.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are volunteering in charitable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
The verb 'help' is used with an infinitive: "to expose" or "expose".
exposing
their compassion, developing their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
event
management
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
attend in seminars, increasing their communication
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
, concentration power to diminish the stage fear.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
sections of the population believe that academic studies and work should
be focused
to gain knowledge.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
they deem that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
will distract us and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keeps
us away from our goals. It is
certainly
true,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
taking part in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
is
also
crucial.
For instance
, academic learning is vital for them,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
, which could
be obtained
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
, are
also
needed for a brighter future
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they are not provided in schools. To illustrate,
normally
, the teacher does not teach you how to lead a group of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
or organize a charity
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
event
.
Additionally
, students can
easily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
bored with studying and these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
act as an efficient
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
reliever method.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
are essential in order for one person to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
their goals, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
can
be achieved
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
through
various kinds of extra-curricular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
. As my perspective, participating in multi-occupation is better than focusing on learning
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
26Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
A foreign language is like a frail, delicate muscle. If you do not use it, it weakens.
Jhumpa Lahiri

IELTS essay Some people participate in extra-curricular activities such as volunteering in charitable events or joining dance groups to gain more knowledge and experience. Others simply focus on their goals such as academic studies or work. Which do you think helps in improving a person’s knowledge and experience? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
287 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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