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Some young adults want to be independent ASAP while others prefer to live with family members as long as they can. v.2

Some young adults want to be independent ASAP while others prefer to live with family members as long as they can. v. 2
Often, relationship between family members influences on the decision of young adults on whether they want to be independent or prefer to live with family members. According to me, to become a self-contained person is more preferable rather than living with family. I’m sure that many people will disagree and refute my point of view, but I feel this way for the following reasons. To begin with, becoming independent proves your significance to your parents and is emblematic to the fact that their authority does not have an impact on you anymore, you are in control of your own live. This independency is indicated by your ability to manage problems without help of your parents, to earn money, to build your own house where rules, which define the way of your life, are set only by its possessor. Understandably, the listed indicators are vivid advantages of being an independent person. My personal experience is a compelling example of that. When I was at school, my dad used to scold me if I was delayed at a long-lasting party. Once, he had established the rule which stated that I was supposed to be at home after 11 pm, as a result of which I felt concerned and frustrated every time when my friends were trying to convince me to spend some more time with them. Now, I live apart from my parents, make money what makes me free of curfews and continuous reproaches on the fact that I live in their house and have to obey their dictations. Secondly, when you are independent from your family, you start being more responsible for the money you spend, for the time you have, for the life you were given, for the people you are surrounded by and animals you tame. Previously, being worried about these issues was out of your business, since everything was being resolved by your parents or guardians. Obviously, being responsible for such things nurtures your character. For instance, my friend, Emil, he stopped living with his mother when he was 18. Consequently, he turned in to a completely different person, he learned how to cook, acquired knowledge on how to make money and manage his time, he even started to understand what medicines should be taken in case of some diseases. As far as I can remember, he had always dreamt of having a dog and now he has one, of which he takes care really well. As a result, he has become a better person able to be responsible not only for his life, but also for the life of his dog. In conclusion, I strongly believe that being independent from others is way better than living with your family members.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Often
, relationship between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members influences on the decision of young adults on whether they want to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
independent
or prefer to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members.
This phrase can sound awkward in English. Consider using "in my opinion" or "I think".
According to me
, to become a self-contained
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
is more preferable
rather
than living with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
. I’m sure that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
will disagree and refute my point of view,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I feel this way for the following reasons.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, becoming
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
independent
proves your significance to your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and is emblematic to the fact that their authority does not have an impact on you anymore, you are in control of your
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
. This
Possible spelling mistake found.
independency
is indicated
by your ability to manage problems without
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
, to earn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, to build your
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
where
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
, which define the way of your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
,
are set
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
by its possessor.
Understandably
, the listed indicators are vivid advantages of being an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
independent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
. My personal experience is a compelling example of that. When I was at school, my dad
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to scold me if I
was delayed
at a long-lasting party. Once, he had established the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rule
which stated that I
was supposed
to be at home after 11 pm,
as a result
of which I felt concerned and frustrated every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
when my friends were trying to convince me to spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with them.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
apart from my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
what
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
me free of curfews and continuous reproaches on the fact that I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
obey their dictations.

Secondly
, when you are
The usual collocation for "independent" is "of" not "from". Did you mean "independent of"?
independent from
your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
, you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
being more responsible for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
you spend, for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
you have, for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
you were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
, for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
you
are surrounded
by and animals you tame. Previously,
being worried
about these issues was out of your business, since everything was
being resolved
by your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
or guardians.
Obviously
, being responsible for such things nurtures your character.
For instance
, my friend, Emil, he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stopped
living with his mother when he was 18.
Consequently
, he turned in to a completely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
, he learned how to cook, acquired knowledge on how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and manage his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, he even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to understand what medicines should
be taken
in case of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
diseases. As far as I can remember, he had always dreamt of having a dog and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
he has one, of which he takes care
really
well.
As a result
, he has become a better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
able to be responsible not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
of his dog.

In conclusion
, I
strongly
believe that being
The usual collocation for "independent" is "of" not "from". Did you mean "independent of"?
independent from
others is way better than living with your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
34Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Some young adults want to be independent ASAP while others prefer to live with family members as long as they can. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
453 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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