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some young adults want independence from their parents as soon as possible. Other young adults prefer to live with their families for linger time. which of this situations do you think is better? v.4

some young adults want independence from their parents as soon as possible. Other young adults prefer to live with their families for linger time. which of this situations do you think is better? v. 4
Young adults at some point of their lives have to take important decisions that will dramatically change their living style. One of those important decisions is if they will be living alone or if they will keep living with their families. I believe that once that they reach that age they should be living independent. This will be the moment that they have to put in practice what their parents had taught them during their live together. They will have more sense of responsibility and they will become completely independent. To start, I support those young adults that decide to live alone. From this moment to the rest of their lives they will start a hard march of being adults. This is the moment when they have to put in practice all the knowledge that they had received from their parents. This is the moment to start managing their own budget, it is also the opportunity to start thinking in how they will conduct their lives, they will figure it out how to manage their free time, and most of them will start thinking in have their own family as well. For this moment is for what parents had been working so hard. Children at some point have to fly away from their parents side to set up their own destiny. Parents have to work as hard as they can to ensure that that fly will be set up properly. When young adults live separately from their parents have more sense of responsibility. It is from that moment that they realized that they can not rely any longer in their parents to conduct their lives. They have to do everything at home by themselves. They have to do the house work by their own. They have to go for groceries or for furniture for their own houses. This is the moment that they can decide how they will be living their lives. They will learn from their actions and from the results of their own decisions. For instance, if they decide to buy a brand new and expensive computer they will probably have to cut some expenses to assure that the rest of the regular expenses will no be affected. Expenses like electricity, internet, food, gas, are expenses that have to be properly back up once that they have living by their own can not be affected. In general they become fully responsible of their lives. I believe that young adults should live by their own once they reach that age. This is very helpful for them since they become completely responsible and very independent. They will be ready for live and for for the rest of the world if their parent teach them to do that and if they decided to follow their parents good piece of advises.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
at
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
point of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
decisions that will
dramatically
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
style. One of those
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
decisions is if they will be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
alone or if they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
with their families. I believe that once that they reach that age they should be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
independent. This will be the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
moment
that they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
put in practice what their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
had taught them during their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
together. They will have more sense of
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
responsibility and
they will become completely independent.

To
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
start
, I support those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
that decide to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
alone. From this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
moment
to the rest of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
they will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
start
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
march of being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
. This is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
moment
when they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
put in practice all the knowledge that they had received from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
. This is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
moment
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
start
managing their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
budget, it is
also
the opportunity to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
start
thinking in how they will conduct their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
, they will figure it out how to manage their free time, and most of them will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
start
thinking in have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
family
as well
. For this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
moment
is for what
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
had been working
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
. Children at
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
point
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
fly
away from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
side to set up their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
destiny.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
work as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
as they can to ensure that that
fly
will
be set
up
properly
.

“When” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
separately
from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
have more sense of responsibility. It is from that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
moment
that they realized that they can not
The verb 'to rely' requires the preposition '(up)on': "rely on".
rely
any longer in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to conduct their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
. They
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
do everything at home by themselves. They
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
do the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
work by their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
They
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
go for groceries or for furniture for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
. This is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
moment
that they can decide how they will be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
. They will learn from their actions and from the results of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
decisions.
For instance
, if they decide to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
a brand new and expensive computer they will
probably
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cut
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
expenses to assure that the rest of the regular expenses will
Did you mean "now" (=at this moment) instead of 'no' (negation)?
no
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
. Expenses like electricity, internet, food, gas, are expenses that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be
properly
back up once that they have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
by their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
can not be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
. In
The comma is probably missing here: "general, they".
general they
become
fully
The usual collocations for "responsible" is "responsible for". Did you mean "responsible for" or "in charge of"?
responsible of
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.

I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
by their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
once they reach that age. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
helpful for them since they become completely responsible and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
independent. They will be ready for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
and
Possible typo: you repeated a word
for for
the rest of the world if their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
teach them to do that and if they decided to follow their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
piece of advises.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
46Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay some young adults want independence from their parents as soon as possible. Other young adults prefer to live with their families for linger time. which of this situations do you think is better? v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
469 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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