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Some young adults want independence from their parents as soon as possible. Other young adults prefer to live with their families for a longer time. Which of these situations do you think is better? v.2

Some young adults want independence from their parents as soon as possible. Other young adults prefer to live with their families for a longer time. Which of these situations do you think is better? v. 2
In today's world majority of young adults are looking for freedom and are try to live without parents, but some of them wish to stay long with their parents as much as they can. Personally, I believe that it is better for all concerned if young adults can continue living with their parents and families for a long time, particularly, till they finish their education or get married. First of all, after becoming an adult, it is best for everyone to head out to embrace our independence. Although it is the most important part to consider finance, because when young adults leave their parents, they face unexpected problems and they have to earn money for the cost of living. For instance, for foods, rent, utilities, and health and other insurance etc. Furthermore, if they are studying they should work hard and study to build their future rather than doing part time jobs that might hamper their education. In Advance, not only the finances but also they should consider the study potential. Whoever prefer to live with their parents and they believe without any pressure they can spend their youth with more freedom than the others. Because they do not worry about rent, food, work etc. Only they need to focus on their studies. Therefore, they get enough sleep as a benefit. In a competitive society, this is the hardest age to pass, for the reason that some young adults have only seen some external views of independent life. From my experiences in university life one of my friends lived in a share accommodation and had fun and party time in her whole university life, but at the end of the year she had to struggle with her studies and had to stay a long time in university to complete her studies. Until they get bad experiences from life some of them remain blind to see the real world. In conclusion, when I consider both arguments it is clear that if young adults live with their families they can get more benefits than the young who live a free life without families. In addition, those who lives with parents get well protection and parents’ guide to enter the right track to reach their life goals.
In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's world majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
are looking for freedom and are try to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them wish to stay long with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
as much as they can.
Personally
, I believe that it is better for all concerned if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
can continue living with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and families for a long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
,
particularly
, till they finish their education or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
married.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, after becoming an adult, it is best for everyone to head out to embrace our independence. Although it is the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
part to consider finance,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
, they face unexpected
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
problems and
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
earn money for the cost of living.
For instance
, for foods, rent, utilities, and health and other insurance etc.
Furthermore
, if they are studying they should work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
to build their future
rather
than doing part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
jobs that might hamper their education.

In Advance, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the finances
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
they should consider the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
potential. Whoever prefer to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
with their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
parents and
they believe without any pressure they can spend their youth with more freedom than the others.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
they do not worry about rent, food, work etc.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Only
they need to focus on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
.
Therefore
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
sleep as a benefit. In a competitive society, this is the hardest age to pass, for the reason that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
external views of independent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. From my experiences in university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
one of my friends
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lived
in a share accommodation and had fun and party
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in her whole university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the year she had to struggle with her
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
and had to stay a long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in university to complete her
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
.
“Until” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Until
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
experiences from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them remain blind to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the real world.

In conclusion
, when I consider both arguments it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
with their families they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more benefits than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
a free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
without families.
In addition
, those who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
well protection and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents’
guide to enter the right
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
track
to reach their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
goals.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
38Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Some young adults want independence from their parents as soon as possible. Other young adults prefer to live with their families for a longer time. Which of these situations do you think is better? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
374 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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