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some young adults want independence from their parents as soon as possible. Other young adults prefer to live with their families for linger time. which of this situations do you think is better? v.1

some young adults want independence from their parents as soon as possible. Other young adults prefer to live with their families for linger time. which of this situations do you think is better? v. 1
These days, migration has become the major concern for many people world wide. More and more people tend to leave their home country, migrating to a foreign one due to political, economical or religious reasons, and many of them suffer to adapt to the new environment, but should they change their ways and methods in order to fit in this new society? In my opinion, I disagree up to a point because of the following reasons: Firstly, moving to another country should not erase your identity because you do not belong to there. You should always be proud of wherever you are and pick the things that fit your culture and beliefs from this new environment. In other words, you should accept some changes, but only those changes which you are sure they are 100% right, for example: respecting the law, being friendly and cooperative, etc. . . In addition, people who change their identity because of migrating to another country will not be respected by the people of their home. Secondly, it is very important to show the people of the country where you migrated the differences between your and their culture and that you will not replace your opinions because of changing the place where you live because this will make you feel like you are a hipocrite. There is a possibility that people will accept the difference and will help you to adapt with the new atmosphere. So if you changed your ways, it would be like you left them for no reason. In my opinion, It is better to strive a little to save your culture. Summing up, many people face the choice of migration those days and tend to take it, but I believe if they did, this should not make them erase their identity or change their ways. Also, you should only be brave enough to show the difference and people may accept it easily. Finally, saving your ideas and being proud of your country, will make you more respected and provide you with confidence and inner peace as a result.
These days, migration has become the major concern for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
Did you mean "worldwide"?
world wide
. More and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their home
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
, migrating to a foreign one due to political, economical or religious reasons, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of them suffer to adapt to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
environment,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
should they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
change
their ways and methods in order to fit in this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
society? In my opinion, I disagree up to a point
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the following reasons:

Firstly
, moving to another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
should not erase your identity
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
you do not belong to there. You should always be proud of wherever you are and pick the things that fit your culture and beliefs from this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
environment.
In other words
, you should accept
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
changes
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
changes
which you are sure they are 100% right,
for example
: respecting the law, being friendly and cooperative, etc.
Two consecutive dots
.
Don't put a space before the full stop
.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
change
their identity
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of migrating to another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
will not
be respected
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of their home.

Secondly
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
where you migrated the differences between your and their culture and that you will not replace your opinions
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of changing the place where you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
this will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
you feel like you are a
Possible spelling mistake found.
hipocrite
. There is a possibility that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will accept the difference and will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
you to adapt with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
atmosphere.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
if you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
your ways, it would be like you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
them for no reason. In my opinion, It is better to strive a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
to save your culture.

Summing up,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
face the choice of migration those days and tend to take it,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I believe if they did, this should not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them erase their identity or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
change
their ways.
Also
, you should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be brave
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
the difference and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may accept it
easily
.
Finally
, saving your
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
and being proud of your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
, will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
you more respected and provide you with confidence and inner peace
as a result
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Learning another language is not only learning different words for the same things, but learning another way to think about things.
Flora Lewis

IELTS essay some young adults want independence from their parents as soon as possible. Other young adults prefer to live with their families for linger time. which of this situations do you think is better? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
347 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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