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The position of women has changed a great deal in many societies over the past 50 years. But these societies cannot claim to have achieved gender equality. v.3

The position of women has changed a great deal in many societies over the past 50 years. But these societies cannot claim to have achieved gender equality. v. 3
The existence of women in major sections of the society has given big changes over the past 50 years in many societies across the world. However, these societies cannot state that they have obtained gender equality. I personally disagree with this statement based on several facts that happen in my country. In Indonesia, since the action that has been done by R. A. Kartini (an activist of gender equality many years ago), many people show appreciation to women due to what women can actually do for their country in general. As it seen for the past 15 years, the positions of women in politics are increasing. Indonesia's people have experienced  being led by a woman as their president, women as mayors in some cities and also many activists today are women. This shows that people have accepted and can claim that they already gained gender equality to a larger extent. Moreover, not only in politics and social actions that women made changes on but also in education and entrepreneurship. There are numbers of women who get into higher and higher level of education. We can see this phenomenon in schools or colleges where the percentages of female students are higher than male students. It contradicts the situation in the past in which only males could experience formal education. The number of women in charge also increases in entrepreneurship. There are many CEO or manager spread inside this country from small company to the biggest one. To sum up, it is true that there are still many violent happen against women, prostitution including underage women and also murder cases to women all over the world that indicating inequality of gender, but the percentage of women in politics and other aspects of society has proven that society has claimed the achievement of gender equality.
The existence of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
in major sections of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
over the past 50 years in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
societies
across the world.
However
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
societies
cannot state that they have obtained gender
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
equality
. I
personally
disagree with this statement based on several facts that happen in my country.

In Indonesia, since the action that has
been done
by R. A.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Kartini
(an activist of gender
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
equality
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
years ago),
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
appreciation to
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women
due to what
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
can actually do for their country
in general
. As it
Possible grammatical error. You used a past participle without using any required verb ('be' or 'have'). Did you mean "saw"?
seen
for the past 15 years, the positions of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
in politics are increasing. Indonesia's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have experienced
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
being led
by a woman as their president,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
as mayors in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cities and
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
activists
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
and can claim that they already gained gender
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
equality
to a larger extent.

Moreover
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
in politics and social actions that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
made
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
in education and entrepreneurship. There are numbers of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
into higher and higher level of education. We can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
this phenomenon in schools or colleges where the percentages of female students are higher than male students. It contradicts the situation in the past in which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
males could experience formal education. The number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
in charge
also
increases in entrepreneurship. There are
Possible agreement error. The noun CEO seems to be countable; consider using: "many CEOs".
many CEO
or manager spread inside this country from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
to the biggest one.

To sum up, it is true that there are
still
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
violent happen against
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
, prostitution including underage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
and
also
murder cases to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
all over the world that indicating inequality of gender,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
in politics and other aspects of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
has proven that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
has claimed the achievement of gender
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
equality
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
22Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay The position of women has changed a great deal in many societies over the past 50 years. But these societies cannot claim to have achieved gender equality. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
302 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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