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OG1 - Some young adults want independence from their parents as soon as possible. Other young adults prefer to live with their families for a longer time. Which of these situations do you think is better? v.2

OG1 - Some young adults want independence from their parents as soon as possible. Other young adults prefer to live with their families for a longer time. Which of these situations do you think is better? v. 2
It goes without saying that in this progressive and complicated world in which we are living, being independence free people to deliberately choose what they want and opt for their desired lifestyle. In this regard, young people always concern whether to live their parents as early as possible or stay longer with them. Personally speaking, I prefer to live with my family for a longer time, and the reasons to substantiate my notions are elaborated upon hereunder. Firstly, the longer an individual lives with his family, the less financial problems he will face in his life. Young adults need to have time and support to take some risks in order to set up their own businesses. As long as one has the support of and reliance on family wealth, he feels freer to act as he wishes without the fear of loss and financial failure. For example, ten years ago, my ambitious eighteen-year-old brother separated from us, seeking his independence, declaring that we would never need his parent financial support since he was an independent person. He was a talented person and smart enough to set up his private business; however, he failed in his first attempt to start his own job; moreover, he lost almost everything he has saved, and had no one to financially support him. Finally, with no reliance upon his family, he forced to start working in a restaurant as a delivery service, and lost all his dreams. Secondly, while the young generation tends to study for higher education, they need more time to dedicate to their research and spend less time doing home affairs like dusting, cooking, sweeping and washing the dishes. To make it clear, when a university student decides to live independently, he is responsible for doing all the tasks and duties related to his home. While there is a wide range of tasks to be done and doing each of them needs spending lots of time, the less time is available for him to do his assignments and research. In contrast, those who live with their family can divide the duties with others and work less in the home. A personal example can drive this notion home. Ten years ago, when I was a university student, I had a classmate who rented a flat in Tehran, the capital of Iran, to feel more liberty and live independently. Although he was a smart student, he always had difficulties cooking meals, washing the dishes, sweeping the floor, and maintaining other facilities. Therefore, he had less time to study his lessons compared to me who had many less daily tasks in my parents home. Finally, I had a better performance at the university and got a higher GPA in comparison with his. In conclusion, although some young adult prefers to leave their family sooner to catch their independent lives, I believe that living longer with family is more beneficial since there will be more financial support from the parents, and also, more time is released through dividing home duties among all the family members.
It goes without saying that in this progressive and complicated world in which we are living, being independence free
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to
deliberately
choose what they want and opt for their desired lifestyle. In this regard,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
always concern whether to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
as early as possible or stay
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
with them.
Personally
speaking, I prefer to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
with my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, and the reasons to substantiate my notions
are elaborated
upon hereunder.

Firstly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
an individual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
with his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
problems he will face in his life.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Young
adults
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
to take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
in order to set up their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
businesses. As long as one has the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
of and reliance on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
wealth, he feels freer to act as he wishes without the fear of loss and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
failure.
For example
, ten years ago, my ambitious eighteen-year-
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
brother separated from us, seeking his independence, declaring that we would never
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
since he was an independent person. He was a talented person and smart
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to set up his private business;
however
, he failed in his
first
attempt to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
job;
moreover
, he lost almost everything he has saved, and had no one to
financially
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
him.
Finally
, with no reliance upon his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
, he forced to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
working in a restaurant as a delivery service,

and lost all his dreams.

Secondly
, while the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
generation tends to study for higher education, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to dedicate to their research and spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
doing home affairs like dusting, cooking, sweeping and washing the dishes. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
, when a university student decides to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
independently
, he is responsible for doing all the tasks and duties related to his home. While there is a wide range of tasks to
be done
and doing each of them
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
spending lots of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
is available for him to do his assignments and research.
In contrast
, those who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
can divide the duties with others and work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
in the home. A personal example can drive this notion home. Ten years ago, when I was a university student, I had a classmate who rented a flat in Tehran, the capital of Iran, to feel more liberty and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
independently
. Although he was a smart student, he always had difficulties cooking meals, washing the dishes, sweeping the floor, and maintaining other facilities.
Therefore
, he had
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to study his lessons compared to me who had
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
daily tasks in my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
home.
Finally
, I had a better performance at the university and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
a higher GPA
in comparison
with his.

In conclusion
, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
adult prefers to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
sooner to catch their independent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
, I believe that living
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
is more beneficial since there will be more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
, and
also
, more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
is released
through dividing home duties among all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
54Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay OG1 - Some young adults want independence from their parents as soon as possible. Other young adults prefer to live with their families for a longer time. Which of these situations do you think is better? v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
509 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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