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The position of women has changed a great deal in many societies over the past 50 years. But these societies cannot claim to have achieved gender equality. v.4

The position of women has changed a great deal in many societies over the past 50 years. But these societies cannot claim to have achieved gender equality. v. 4
‘Born as a woman’ is not a problem anymore. In recent year, women already have a big role in society. In contrast, people still debate that equality of gender is hard to pursuing. I will outline this issue with reasons and examples. We have seen the power of women in many issues. In term of education, women have the right to learn every subject that they want to. Take the number of women students as an example. In many departments, women are more dominant in number than men students. Not only in the term of students but also lecturers and university’s bureaucracy, many women have crucial positions as men’s do, such as becoming vice-president of a university. In addition, women’s role is clearly seen in the political term. Nowadays, in Indonesia, at least 3 women become ministers in the centre government. It shows that the society has received the presence of women. A clearer example that we can see is women’s role in a family. In the past, women only took care of their children, cooked for their family, and cleaned the house, as housewives. But today, women do greater activities. They become housewife and career-women at the same time. Even in many cases, women become breadwinner while their husbands remain as househusbands. It is true that in some cases, in some parts of the world, there are still distinguish between man and woman, but it cannot be denied that woman has been more appreciated nowadays. To sum up, I must say that women achieved gender equality in many ways of life such as education, work chance, and family. Based on these arguments, I tend to disagree that societies cannot claim to achieve gender equality because there are different evidence in real life defeat this view.
‘Born as a woman’ is not a problem anymore. In recent year,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
already have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
role in society.
In contrast
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
still
debate that equality of gender is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to pursuing. I will outline this issue with reasons and examples.

We have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
the power of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
issues. In term of education,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
have the right to learn every subject that they want to. Take the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
students as an example. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
departments,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are more
A more concise phrase may lose no meaning and sound more powerful.
dominant in number
than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
students. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
in the term of students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
lecturers and university’s bureaucracy,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
have crucial positions as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
’s do, such as becoming vice-president of a university.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women’s
role is
clearly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in the political term. Nowadays, in Indonesia, at least 3
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
become ministers in the
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
. It
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that the society has received the presence of women.

A clearer example that we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women’s
role in a family. In the past,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
took care of their children, cooked for their family, and cleaned the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
, as housewives.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
do greater activities. They become housewife and career-women at the same time. Even in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
cases,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
become breadwinner while their husbands remain as househusbands.

It is true that in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cases, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
parts of the world, there are
still
distinguish between
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
and woman,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it cannot
be denied
that woman has been more appreciated nowadays.

To sum up, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
say that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
achieved gender equality in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways of life such as education, work chance, and family. Based on these arguments, I tend to disagree that societies cannot claim to achieve gender equality
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
evidence in real life defeat this view.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
One language sets you in a corridor for life. Two languages open every door along the way.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay The position of women has changed a great deal in many societies over the past 50 years. But these societies cannot claim to have achieved gender equality. v. 4

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
296 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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