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The position of women has changed a great deal in many societies over the past 50 years. But these societies cannot claim to have achieved gender equality. v.1

The position of women has changed a great deal in many societies over the past 50 years. But these societies cannot claim to have achieved gender equality. v. 1
It is true that women in recent years have been given an equal opportunity as men to participate in some areas such as politics, education etc. They are given 3% quota in members of house representative in my country, Indonesia, and the numbers of women who enter the schools are getting higher and higher every year. However, there are some areas that societies still restrict the equality between men and women. I will discuss further this issue through the essay. I believe that women are still seen as the weak person in the classical stereotype in traditional people, particularly in some remotes area. The traditional way of thinking still believes that women should stay at home and do some house works such as washing clothes, cooking some food, cleaning the house as well as growing the children. This condition tends to restrict the freedom of women to enter the higher education as well as participate more in political area or economical area. The case of Indonesia women migrant labour, moreover, who get violence from the boss also proves that gender equality has not been accommodated yet. People tend to suppose that women are weak and men are the superiority who have more power that women which lead to the case of violence done by men to women. Some people believe that the idea of gender equality has been approved through the policy of 30% quota in the political position, however, this kind of policy is unfair considering the number of women right now three times bigger than that of men. This policy is not representative enough. To sum up, the idea of gender equality should be upheld comprehensively in all sectors of life. It should be supported by government through balanced policy without discriminating such kind of gender.
It is true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
in recent years have been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
an equal opportunity as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
to participate in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
such as politics, education etc. They are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
3% quota in members of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
representative in my country, Indonesia, and the numbers of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
who enter the schools are getting higher and higher every year.
However
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
that societies
still
restrict the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
equality
between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
. I will discuss
further
this issue through the essay.

I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are
still
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
as the weak person in the classical stereotype in traditional
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
,
particularly
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
Possible typo: apostrophe is missing. Did you mean "remotes'" or "remote's"?
remotes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
area
. The traditional way of thinking
still
believes that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should stay at home and do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
works such as washing clothes, cooking
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
food, cleaning the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
as well
as growing the children. This condition tends to restrict the freedom of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
to enter the higher education
as well
as participate more in political
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
area
or economical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
area
. The case of Indonesia
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
migrant
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
,
moreover
, who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
violence from the boss
also
proves that gender
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
equality
has not
been accommodated
yet
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
tend to suppose that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are weak and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
are the superiority who have more power that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
which lead to the case of violence done by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
to women.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of gender
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
equality
has
been approved
through the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
policy
of 30% quota in the political position,
however
, this kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
policy
is unfair considering the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
right
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
three times bigger than that of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
policy
is not representative
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
.

To sum up, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of gender
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
equality
should
be upheld
comprehensively
in all sectors of life. It should
be supported
by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
through balanced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
policy
without discriminating such kind of gender.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
28Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Knowledge of languages is the doorway to wisdom.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay The position of women has changed a great deal in many societies over the past 50 years. But these societies cannot claim to have achieved gender equality. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
298 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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