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Some workplaces do not ensure the safety of workers who use dangerous equipment. What can be done? Who should take responsibilities to ensure safety at workplaces? v.4

Some workplaces do not ensure the safety of workers who use dangerous equipment. What can be done? Who should take responsibilities to ensure safety at workplaces? v. 4
Accidents in some workplaces are assumed inevitable for employees with certain skills or professions such as cooks, construction workers, high voltage operation technicians and drivers. However, in order to avoid or minimise accidents, it is necessary to understand what has led to this happening first. In this essay, I first of all will examine what are necessary actions to be taken for avoiding accidents, and then I will suggest who should take necessary actions to get rid of unexpected. Surely the principal cause of accidents which happens to staffs who use dangerous material is due to lack of education. For instance, a worker who works for minimum wage most likely isn’t aware of safety instructions if not educated deeply with examples and in a result of this, the accident might be possible for even usage of basic equipment. In order to eliminate this chance, the government should take necessary actions to compel employers to hire environment, health and safety officers. These officers should be responsible for all workers education process. In addition, officers should also investigate workplace to make sure that it is safe for everyone. Although employers should be responsible for hiring officers to ensure education level of workers, the government should take necessary actions. For example, unannounced audits and investigations can be made to understand education level of workers might secure their life. Furthermore, investigated negligence should be ended up with a serious fine by the government to urge employers for checking internal process about the education of health and safety. To summarise all points that I explained so far, workers using dangerous equipment should educate themselves about dangers of their profession, also employers should control their staffs’ knowledge level regularly and the government should ensure systems status and punish who do not care as much as required.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Accidents
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
workplaces
are assumed
inevitable for employees with certain
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
or professions such as cooks, construction
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
, high voltage operation technicians and drivers.
However
, in order to avoid or
Possible spelling mistake. 'minimise' is British English.
minimise
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
accidents
, it is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
necessary
to understand what has led to this happening
first
. In this essay, I
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
first of all
will examine what are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
necessary
actions to
be taken
for avoiding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
accidents
, and then I will suggest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
should take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
necessary
actions to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
rid of unexpected.

Surely
the principal cause of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
accidents
which happens to
The verb after "to" should be in the base form: "staff".
staffs
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
material is due to lack of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
.
For instance
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
worker
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
works for minimum wage most likely isn’t aware of safety instructions if not educated
deeply
with examples and in a result of this, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
accident
might be possible for even usage of basic equipment. In order to eliminate this chance, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
necessary
actions to compel
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employers
to hire environment, health and safety
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
officers
. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
officers
should be responsible for all
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "workers'" or "worker's"?
workers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
process.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
officers
should
also
investigate workplace to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
sure that it is safe for everyone.

Although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employers
should be responsible for hiring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
officers
to ensure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
level of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
necessary
actions.
For example
, unannounced audits and investigations can
be made
to understand
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
level of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
might secure their life.
Furthermore
, investigated negligence should
be ended
up with a serious fine by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
to urge
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employers
for checking internal process about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
of health and safety.

To
Possible spelling mistake. 'summarise' is British English.
summarise
all points that I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explained
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
far,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
using
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
equipment should educate themselves about
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
dangers
of their profession,
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employers
should control their staffs’ knowledge level
regularly
and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should ensure systems status and punish
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
do not care as much as required.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
37Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some workplaces do not ensure the safety of workers who use dangerous equipment. What can be done? Who should take responsibilities to ensure safety at workplaces? v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
300 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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