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Some workplaces do not ensure the safety of workers who use dangerous equipment. What can be done? Who should take responsibilities to ensure safety at workplaces? v.1

Some workplaces do not ensure the safety of workers who use dangerous equipment. What can be done? Who should take responsibilities to ensure safety at workplaces? v. 1
It is seen in many places that a lot of accidents are caused due to lack of awareness. Mostly, in the case of workers working in an industry with hazardous equipment. ‘Too Many Cooks Spoil The Broth’, in the same way instead of appointing many workers blindly there may be a drastic change if a worker who knows to deal with the equipment is being granted. Firstly, the reason behind the cause of accidents is the lack of literacy rate. For instance, if we consider the Chernobyl nuclear power plant disaster in Ukraine in the 20th century, this affected severely around 25 countries, took many months to recover to genuine state. In addition to that, Steel industries which involved lots of equipment to make the iron mould to a particular shape, Workers try hard to complete work rather than to understand and complete in a smart way. Moreover, large companies which deal with heavy equipment require huge staff members. In my opinion, it is the responsibility of the management who should take care of each and every worker progress and maintain till date report. Some people think that up to date progress of workers is a quite time-consuming process. But, eligibility criteria comes with regular correspondence, everyone who is capable of understanding in more effectively can give a high productivity more obviously. After discussing the pros and cons I conclude that a worker before dealing with heavy equipment has to be well known to deal with it. Otherwise, a small mistake may cost so many lives. It is also the responsibility of oneself to take care, even though management provides several guidelines.
It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
places that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
accidents
are caused
due to lack of awareness.
Mostly
, in the case of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
working in an industry with hazardous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
equipment
. ‘Too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
Cooks Spoil The Broth’,
in the same way
instead
of appointing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
blindly
there may be a drastic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
if a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
worker
who knows to deal with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
equipment
is
being granted
.

Firstly
, the reason behind the cause of accidents is the lack of literacy rate.
For instance
, if we consider the Chernobyl nuclear power plant disaster in Ukraine in the 20th century, this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
severely
around 25 countries, took
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
months to recover to genuine state.
In addition
to that, Steel industries which involved lots of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
equipment
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the iron
Possible spelling mistake. 'mould' is British English.
mould
to a particular shape,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Workers
try
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to complete work
rather
than to understand and complete
Consider replacing "in a smart way" with the adverb for "smart"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a smart way
.

Moreover
, large
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
which deal with heavy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
equipment
require huge staff members. In my opinion, it is the responsibility of the management who should take care of each and every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
worker
progress and maintain till date report.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that up to date progress of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
is a quite time-consuming process.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, eligibility criteria
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
with regular correspondence, everyone who is capable of understanding in more
effectively
can give a high productivity more
obviously
.

After discussing the pros and cons I conclude that a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
worker
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
dealing with heavy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
equipment
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
be well known to deal with it.
Otherwise
, a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
mistake may cost
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. It is
also
the responsibility of oneself to take care,
even though
management provides several guidelines.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Some workplaces do not ensure the safety of workers who use dangerous equipment. What can be done? Who should take responsibilities to ensure safety at workplaces? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
272 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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