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People who watch a lot of violent television programs will find that this influences their behaviour when they are angry or upset. v.1

People who watch a lot of violent television programs will find that this influences their behaviour when they are angry or upset. v. 1
It is believed that when a person sees a lot of sadistic and brutal scenes on television, it will affect on his emotion as he becomes more aggressive when he is angry. I would agree with the statement, as many violent cases have been reported due to the effect of television shows. To begin with, it is undeniable that violent television shows have some negative effects on their viewers. As we see that most of the highest rating films on televisions are all about wars, criminal acts, murders and terrors, they become the prime shows for many television stations. As a result, we cannot avoid in watching these films and they gradually affect our mind. Many of these programs are showing that fighting or shooting a gun is a normal scene when people are angry, and as a consequence, the number of gun murderers has increased rapidly in some countries. Then, in some shows, they even make it into a sporting event, such as the Ultimate Fighting Champion or World Wide Wrestling. These dangerous scenes have affected young people, as they see that hitting another person or slamming the opponent with a chair is an exciting thing. Teenagers who watch these shows frequently would try to do the same thing to their friends and that results some injuries and accidents. In the children criminal record, it is found that many of them have become aggressive due to the effect of the films they have watched. Therefore it is important for parents to monitor the type of shows that their children are watching. In conclusion, I strongly agree that violent scenes on television programs could influence our emotional thinking. Therefore, we should avoid in watching these films frequently and we should also give some explanation to the young people as well.
It
is believed
that when a person
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sees
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
sadistic and brutal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scenes
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
, it will
Did you mean "effect"?
affect
on his emotion as he becomes more aggressive when he is angry. I would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the statement, as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
violent cases have
been reported
due to the effect of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, it is undeniable that violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shows
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects on their viewers. As we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that most of the highest rating films on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
televisions
are all about wars, criminal acts, murders and terrors, they become the prime
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shows
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
stations.
As a result
, we cannot avoid in watching these
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
films and
they
gradually
affect our mind.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
of these programs are showing that fighting or shooting a gun is a normal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scene
when
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are angry, and as a consequence, the number of gun murderers has increased
rapidly
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries.

Then, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shows
, they even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
it into a sporting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
, such as the Ultimate Fighting Champion or
Did you mean "worldwide"?
World Wide
Wrestling. These
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scenes
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, as they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that hitting another person or slamming the opponent with a chair is an exciting thing.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Teenagers
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shows
frequently
would try to do the same thing to their friends and that results
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
injuries and accidents. In the children criminal record, it
is found
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of them have become aggressive due to the effect of the films they have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watched
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for parents to monitor the type of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shows
that their children are watching.

In conclusion
, I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scenes
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
programs could influence our emotional thinking.
Therefore
, we should avoid in watching these films
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
frequently and
we should
also
give
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
explanation to the young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
as well
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay People who watch a lot of violent television programs will find that this influences their behaviour when they are angry or upset. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
300 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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