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Some universities now offer their courses on the Internet so that people can study online. Is this a positive or negative development? v.2

Some universities now offer their courses on the Internet so that people can study online. Is this a positive or negative development? v. 2
It is incontestable the the Internet has infiltrated into virtually every aspect of our lives, including education. In fact, university students nowadays have been granted online courses, which has aroused considerable concern about its upside and downside. From my perspective, I firmly believe that homeschooling through the Internet does more good than harm to self-education. First and foremost, offering courses online facilitates studying by allowing students to work at their own pace in a satisfactory space. Each and every individual, indeed, may foster in different environments. For instance, some prefer to study at night while others work more efficiently in the morning. Therefore, aware of their own biological clocks, students can follow an exclusive and flexible timetable to boost their effectiveness. Additionally, the settings of the studying space does have an impact on postgraduates' productivity. Thus a person taking courses from home is able to choose, if not design, a suitable place for themselves, such as a library, a coffee shop or even their bedroom. Secondly, online education can act as an equalizer. To put it more precisely, homeschooling creates a golden opportunity for disadvantaged students, be it those unable to afford a living if apply for a university in a distant area. As a matter of fact, there have been those who are discouraged from further education, disheartened by the expenditures associated with living in a new place. Hence, having an access to the courses online, undergraduates can determine on their favourite universities without fear of subsisting on a tight budget due to the exorbitant cost of living. In this regard, online education can level the playing field for everyone. By way of conclusion, homeschooling through the Internet is serving multiple opportunities that the conventional model lacks, involving an ideal study space and chances for those coming from far afield. Offering courses online is, to all intents and purposes, beneficial to one's cultivation of knowledge.
It is incontestable
Maybe you need to remove one determiner so that only "the" or "the" is left.
the the
Internet has infiltrated into
virtually
every aspect of our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
, including
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
. In fact, university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
nowadays have
been granted
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
, which has aroused considerable concern about its upside and downside. From my perspective, I
firmly
believe that homeschooling through the Internet does more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
than harm to self-education.

First
and foremost, offering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
facilitates studying by allowing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to work at their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
pace in a satisfactory space. Each and every individual,
indeed
, may foster in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
environments.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
prefer to study at night while others work more
efficiently
in the morning.
Therefore
, aware of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
biological clocks,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can follow an exclusive and flexible timetable to boost their effectiveness.
Additionally
, the settings of the studying space does have an impact on postgraduates' productivity.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
a person taking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
from home is able to choose, if not design, a suitable place for themselves, such as a library, a coffee shop or even their bedroom.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
can act as an equalizer. To put it more
precisely
, homeschooling creates a golden opportunity for disadvantaged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
, be it those unable to afford a living if
You can apply for a job or welfare, but you apply to a university. Revise: "apply to a university".
apply for a university
in a distant area. As a matter of fact, there have been those who
are discouraged
from
further
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
, disheartened by the expenditures associated with living in a new place.
Hence
, having
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "access".
an access
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
, undergraduates can determine on their
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
universities without fear of subsisting on a tight budget due to the exorbitant cost of living. In this regard,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
can level the playing field for everyone.

By way of conclusion, homeschooling through the Internet is serving multiple opportunities that the conventional model lacks, involving an ideal study space and chances for those coming from far afield. Offering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
is, to all intents and purposes, beneficial to one's cultivation of knowledge.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Some universities now offer their courses on the Internet so that people can study online. Is this a positive or negative development? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
316 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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