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In many countries, people working in sport and entertainment earn much more money than professionals like doctors, nurses, and teachers. Why do you think this happens in some societies? Do you consider it good or bad? v.1

In many countries, people working in sport and entertainment earn much more money than professionals like doctors, nurses, and teachers. Why do you think this happens in some societies? Do you consider it good or bad? v. 1
It is true that sportsmen and entertainers are generally richer than professional workers such as doctors, nurses and teachers. This is due to the fact that these celebrities attract a large following and therefore can earn money in many ways. I personally believe that this wealth gap is justified by their hard work and willingness to deal with public pressure. The main reason why people working in sport and entertainment are better-off is that they are much more popular and thus benefit from this celebrity status. Apart from their main job, well-known athletes can secure lucrative contracts with sporting brands to endorse their products. Actors or singers may allow fashion companies to use their image in exchange for a huge sum of royalty. By contrast, professionals like doctors or teachers provide their services to a limited number of people, and can only get paid accordingly. I would argue that celebrities earn great wealth through their efforts to improve themselves and face up to public scrutiny. Firstly, this line of work is extremely competitive; would-be entertainers need to have a combination of luck and talent to stand out, otherwise they may end up worse-off than an average worker. Even celebrities can be reduced to has-beens if they do not adjust to the ever-changing demands of the public. Secondly, famous people has less privacy and are often troubled by fabricated news and sensationalism. These negative aspects can be considered a price to pay for a life under the spotlight. In comparison, a professional can enjoy work and life separately and face much less competition. In conclusion, compared to professional workers, sport stars and entertainers indulge in a wealthier lifestyle thanks to their greater popularity. This is rightly earned through their application and at their own privacy sacrifice.
It is true that sportsmen and entertainers are
generally
richer than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
workers such as doctors, nurses and teachers.
This is due to the fact that
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
attract a large following and
therefore
can earn money in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways. I
personally
believe that this wealth gap
is justified
by their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work and willingness to deal with public pressure.

The main reason why
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
working in sport and entertainment are better-off is that they are much more popular and
thus
benefit from this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrity
status. Apart from their main job, well-known athletes can secure lucrative contracts with sporting brands to endorse their products. Actors or singers may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
fashion
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their image in exchange for a huge sum of royalty. By contrast,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professionals
like doctors or teachers provide their services to a limited number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, and can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
paid
accordingly
.

I would argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
earn great wealth through their efforts to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
themselves and face up to public scrutiny.
Firstly
, this line of work is
extremely
competitive; would-be entertainers need to have a combination of luck and talent to stand out,
otherwise
they may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up worse-off than an average worker. Even
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
to
Possible spelling mistake found.
has-beens
if they do not adjust to the ever-changing demands of the public.
Secondly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
has
less privacy and are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
troubled by fabricated news and sensationalism. These
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
aspects can
be considered
a price to pay for a life under the spotlight.
In comparison
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
can enjoy work and life
separately
and face much less competition.

In conclusion
, compared to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
workers, sport stars and entertainers indulge in a wealthier lifestyle thanks to their greater popularity. This is
rightly
earned through their application and at their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
privacy sacrifice.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay In many countries, people working in sport and entertainment earn much more money than professionals like doctors, nurses, and teachers. Why do you think this happens in some societies? Do you consider it good or bad? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
295 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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