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Some people believe that schools should only teach children subjects which are beneficial to their future career and therefore other subjects such as music and sports are not important. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people believe that schools should only teach children subjects which are beneficial to their future career and therefore other subjects such as music and sports are not important. v. 1
There has been an upsurge in practical knowledge in recent years. What people are more concerned is whether work-based subjects are crucial in preparing for children in the real life, rather than other courses like music and sports. In my opinion, I agree that children should only do courses, which are related to their future pursuits. There are some reasons why schools should put their emphasis on courses that assist students to begin their future career. The first reason is that those subjects might give learners motivation to gain higher academic achievement. Only when children’s interest in particular fields are kindled can they make arduous effort to concentrate on learning and doing exercises. By doing this way, not only can children improve their academic attainment, but also countries can have more productive and well-cultivated workers in the future. Additionally, the application of job-related subjects in school curriculums can orient students to follow their own particular career like science or medical, balancing competitive market in the future. This can be seen in Vietnam, where most of students only focus on studying economics and finance, leading to a higher rate of unemployment. Apart from job-related knowledge, schools cannot shirk the responsibilities for enhancing, diversifying and consolidating the skills students can use in many life situations. Learning some subjects like music and sports can help children to acquire and cultivate some necessary skills that are not available in vocational subjects. For example, by organizing sports and other physical activities, the schools can help students enhance their team-building and leadership skills. Furthermore, the participation in some extra-curricular subjects like music and sports enable students to relieve stress. In conclusion, it appears that job-related subjects, with their benefits, are set to remain an integral part in school curriculums. However, schools should also consider the significance of extra-curricular subjects like music and sports as students can enjoy their life and develop skills.
There has been an upsurge in practical knowledge in recent years. What
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are more concerned is whether work-based
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
are crucial in preparing for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in the real life,
rather
than other courses like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
. In my opinion, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
do courses, which
are related
to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
pursuits.

There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
should put their emphasis on courses that assist
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
career. The
first
reason is that those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
might give learners motivation to gain higher academic achievement.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Only
when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
interest
in particular
fields
are kindled
can they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
arduous effort to concentrate on learning and doing exercises. By doing this way, not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their academic attainment,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
countries can have more productive and well-cultivated workers in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
.
Additionally
, the application of job-related
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
curriculums can orient
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to follow their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
particular career like science or medical, balancing competitive market in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
. This can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in Vietnam, where most of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
focus on studying economics and finance, leading to a higher rate of unemployment.

Apart from job-related knowledge,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
cannot shirk the responsibilities for enhancing, diversifying and consolidating the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
life situations. Learning
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to acquire and cultivate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
necessary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
that are not available in vocational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
.
For example
, by organizing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and other physical activities, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
enhance their team-building and leadership
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
.
Furthermore
, the participation in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extra-curricular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
enable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to relieve
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
.

In conclusion
, it appears that job-related
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
, with their benefits,
are set
to remain an integral part in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
curriculums.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
should
also
consider the significance of extra-curricular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can enjoy their life and develop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
47Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that schools should only teach children subjects which are beneficial to their future career and therefore other subjects such as music and sports are not important. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
316 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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