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Some teenagers take part in different kinds of activities such as musical classes, sports classes and so on, but others only focus on one activity which is important to them. Which idea do you support? v.2

Some teenagers take part in different kinds of activities such as musical classes, sports classes and so on, but others only focus on one activity which is important to them. Which idea do you support? v. 2
Children are one of the important group of our community, therefore we should be meticulous about our decisions which we make for them, but should we let them attending sport, music and other similar classes? Responses to this question differ from one person to another according to the view that they are holding regarding the social issues. Personally speaking, I believe participating in many kinds of activities is more beneficial, and further justifications elaborate on my perspective. Experiencing exciting moments and having fun is the first and the most significant advantage of attending music and sport classes; while, even critics cannot cast doubt on this point. Teenagers have more free time in comparison to adults, therefore they need to be involved with something when they have done their assignments. By participating in the favorite sport classes such as football or volleyball, children have opportunity to calm their anxiety and nerves about school, which is very helpful to refresh them to do their best in scientific class. Another noteworthy aspect that should be addressed in this ongoing explanation is that teenagers will find a lot friends by joining music or sports groups and take advantages of them. As long as children are communicating with other teenagers they can improve their social skills in order to build close relationship. The more friends that a child makes, the more merits he/she can obtain from his/her friends. Perhaps some of these new friends are capable of assisting him/her in overcoming problems which he/she is facing for a long time. So, why should we deprive a child from a great source of finding useful friends? Sports, music and other terrific groups not only improve social skills in children, but also aid them to solve some problems. Last but not least, all children have some potentially talents that themself are not aware of. There is a possibility that some children in a class can be a great musician or athlete in the future. However, if he cannot find a circumstance to demonstrate or improve his skills he would be discouraged. Provided that we oblige him to focus just on his lessons in the class I claim we are wasting human resources of our society To sup up, with showing respect to the people who approve focusing in one activity I assert they are wrong because of underestimating mentioned points and attaching to one skill and activity neither beneficial in social concerns nor logical. Finally I suggest that all parents should allow attending sport and music classes for their children.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
are one of the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
group of our community,
therefore
we should be meticulous about our decisions which we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
for them,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
should we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
them attending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and other similar
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
? Responses to this question differ from one person to another according to the view that they are holding regarding the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
issues.
Personally
speaking, I believe participating in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
kinds of activities is more beneficial, and
further
justifications elaborate on my perspective.

Experiencing exciting moments and having fun is the
first
and the most significant advantage of attending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
; while, even critics cannot cast doubt on this point.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Teenagers
have more free time
in comparison
to adults,
therefore
they need to
be involved
with something when they have done their assignments. By participating in the favorite
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
such as football or volleyball,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have opportunity to calm their anxiety and nerves about school, which is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
helpful to refresh them to do their best in scientific
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
.

Another noteworthy aspect that should
be addressed
in this ongoing explanation is that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
will find a lot
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
by joining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
groups and take advantages of them.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
long as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are communicating with other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
in order to build close relationship. The more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
that a child
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
, the more merits he/she can obtain from his/her
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
. Perhaps
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of these new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
are capable of assisting him/her in overcoming problems which he/she is facing for a long time.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, why should we deprive a child from a great source of finding useful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
?
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Sports
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and other terrific groups not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
aid them to solve
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
problems.

Last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not least, all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
potentially
talents that
The term is non-standard and not widely accepted.
themself
are not aware of. There is a possibility that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
can be a great musician or athlete in the future.
However
, if he cannot find a circumstance to demonstrate or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
he would
be discouraged
.
“Provided that” at the beginning of a sentence requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Provided that
we oblige him to focus
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
on his lessons in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
I claim we are wasting human resources of our
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
society


To sup up, with showing respect to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who approve focusing in one activity I assert they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of underestimating mentioned points and attaching to one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skill
and activity neither beneficial in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
concerns nor logical.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Finally
I suggest that all parents should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
attending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
35Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Some teenagers take part in different kinds of activities such as musical classes, sports classes and so on, but others only focus on one activity which is important to them. Which idea do you support? v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
423 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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