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Some teenagers take part in different kinds of activities such as musical classes, sports classes and so on, but others only focus on one activity which is important to them. Which idea do you support? v.1

Some teenagers take part in different kinds of activities such as musical classes, sports classes and so on, but others only focus on one activity which is important to them. Which idea do you support? v. 1
It is true that lately shopping has become a leisure pursuit. While it indicates our growth in terms of production, it also leads to exploitation of natural resources. I believe this change in people's habit has more demerits than merits. To begin with, one of the reasons why people shop more often is that the purchasing power of individuals has increased. This is because the income levels have gone up, which means that after fulfilling their basic needs, they still are left with enough money to shop. Also, mostly in humans, the desire to have new material is natural; therefore, shopping has become a leisure activity nowadays. Secondly, this generation is the generation of fashion lovers. The reason for this is that fashion has become a status symbol and people are being judged if they possess obsolete stuff; thereby, indirectly forcing individuals to follow current trends. Nevertheless, in an attempt to stay updated with the fashion, we have given rise to an unethical practice. Today, where cloths or other possessions were used to fulfil needs, we have set it as a parameter to judge someone's standard in the society. Consequently, the society would be divided into different discriminatory sections. Besides this, increase in purchases would mean heavy production of goods. As people are purchasing frequently, the old items would become useless, which ends up being dumped. This means that we are exploiting the natural resources which were initially used in the production of these goods. In conclusion, although people going shopping frequently show that we are fashionable and our incomes are not only fulfilling our needs but also our desires, the morally wrong message this is giving to young ones and exploitation of natural resources is negatively impacting our society.
It is true that lately shopping has
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
a leisure pursuit. While it indicates our growth in terms of production, it
also
leads to exploitation of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
natural
resources. I believe this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's habit has more demerits than merits.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, one of the reasons why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
shop more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
is that the purchasing power of individuals has increased. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the income levels have gone up, which means that after fulfilling their basic needs, they
still
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
money to shop.
Also
,
mostly
in humans, the desire to have new material is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
natural
;
therefore
, shopping has
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
a leisure activity nowadays.
Secondly
, this generation is the generation of fashion lovers.
The reason for this is
that fashion has
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
a status symbol and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
being judged
if they possess obsolete stuff; thereby,
indirectly
forcing individuals to follow
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
trends.

Nevertheless
, in an attempt to stay updated with the fashion, we have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
rise to an unethical practice.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
, where cloths or other possessions were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to fulfil needs, we have set it as a parameter to judge someone's standard in the society.
Consequently
, the society would
be divided
into
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
discriminatory sections.
Besides
this, increase in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchases
would mean heavy production of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
. As
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are purchasing
frequently
, the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
items would
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
useless, which ends up
being dumped
. This means that we are exploiting the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
natural
resources which were
initially
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in the production of these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
.

In conclusion
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
going shopping
frequently
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
that we are fashionable and our incomes are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
fulfilling our needs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
our desires, the
morally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
message this is giving to young ones and exploitation of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
natural
resources is
negatively
impacting our society.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some teenagers take part in different kinds of activities such as musical classes, sports classes and so on, but others only focus on one activity which is important to them. Which idea do you support? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
290 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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