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Some teenagers participate in different activities in school, but others focus only one activity that is important for them. Which idea do you prefer? v.2

Some teenagers participate in different activities in school, but others focus only one activity that is important for them. Which idea do you prefer? v. 2
Nowadays, educational issues of children are potential and vital priorities of any government and annually devote a significant amount of their budget on this issue, since juveniles and children are important human resources of any given society, as far as the success and development f societies are concerned. With this in mind, there is a fierce controversy among people and families as to whether their young adults should select a wide variety of activities in school or focus only specific areas. As far as I am concerned, the privileges of the diverse activities outweigh those of single area for several conspicuous reasons which can be elaborated upon separately. To begin with, choosing multiple activities can be beneficial for students especially they can bring first-hand experiences which might be crucial for their future life. It is crystal clear that each activity has its own hardships and tranquility and people can undergo the winning or failure conditions. In this regard, some students may experience some failures during their games and occupations. They will learn that although it can be intensively hard at firs face, but the failure can fire their enthusiasm and lead them toward the upcoming successes. In other words, failures and defeats can be considered as a blessing in disguise and convert the past defeats into the stepping-stone to the future victories. In single activity, however, students have less chance to undergo the possible defeats which result in less and genuine gratifications and mirth. Moreover, taking different activities might lead children to accepting their own responsibilities and liabilities in the future, since today' s educations in different areas can be a great panacea in transcending the drawbacks of education because of disabilities in learning practical trainings efficiently. Secondly, engaging in diverse activities can lead children toward the healthy and wholesome lifestyles in compared to those children with only one job in the school. Unequivocally, in this environment, children are provided with the great chance to communicate with various group of people with diverse beliefs, thoughts, and tastes. Accordingly, if they want to have a eminent contributions in their team and really feel importance in it, they should interact and socialize with different people. Thus, in this situations fulfilling the desires and ideals of the parents in becoming their children communicative and sociable individuals would not be far-fetched and they can prepare for the future conveniently. Additionally, children can flourish their latent talents and do their best to nurture them and pursue those fields in the future according to their discoveries in the school. In summary, by taking all above-mentioned arguments into consideration, it can be concluded that in spite of possible merits of single activity, this kind of action fails to meet the needs of the children for experiencing healthy lifestyles and awareness in various fields especially for the future.
Nowadays, educational issues of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are potential and vital priorities of any
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
and
annually
devote a significant amount of their budget on this issue, since juveniles and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
human resources of any
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
society, as far as the success and development f societies
are concerned
. With this in mind, there is a fierce controversy among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and families
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether", or rephrase the sentence to avoid "as to".
as to whether
their young adults should select a wide variety of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
in school or focus
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
specific areas. As far as I
am concerned
, the privileges of the diverse
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
outweigh those of single area for several conspicuous reasons which can
be elaborated
upon
separately
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, choosing multiple
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
can be beneficial for students
especially
they can bring
first
-hand experiences which might be crucial for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
life. It is crystal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
has its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
hardships and tranquility and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can undergo the winning or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
failure
conditions. In this regard,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
students may experience
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
failures
during their games and occupations. They will learn that although it can be
intensively
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
at firs face,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
failure
can fire their enthusiasm and lead them toward the upcoming successes.
In other words
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
failures
and defeats can
be considered
as a blessing in disguise and convert the past defeats into the stepping-stone to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
victories. In single
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
,
however
, students have less chance to undergo the possible defeats which result in less and genuine gratifications and mirth.
Moreover
, taking
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
might lead
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to accepting their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
responsibilities and liabilities in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
, since
Possible spelling mistake found.
today&
#039; s educations in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
areas can be a great panacea in transcending the drawbacks of education
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of disabilities in learning practical trainings
efficiently
.

Secondly
, engaging in diverse
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
can lead
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
toward the healthy and wholesome lifestyles in compared to those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
one job in the school.
Unequivocally
, in this environment,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are provided
with the great chance to communicate with various group of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with diverse beliefs, thoughts, and tastes.
Accordingly
, if they want to have
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
eminent
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "contribution"?
contributions
in their team and
really
feel importance in it, they should interact and socialize with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Thus
, in this situations fulfilling the desires and ideals of the parents in becoming their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
communicative and sociable individuals would not be
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
far-fetched and
they can prepare for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
conveniently
.
Additionally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can flourish their latent talents and do their best to nurture them and pursue those fields in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
according to their discoveries in the school.

In summary, by taking all above-mentioned arguments into consideration, it can
be concluded
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
in spite of
possible merits of single
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
, this kind of action fails to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
the needs of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
for experiencing healthy lifestyles and awareness in various fields
especially
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
31Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
The limits of my language are the limits of my world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay Some teenagers participate in different activities in school, but others focus only one activity that is important for them. Which idea do you prefer? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
470 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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