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Some teenagers participate in different activities in school, but others focus only one activity that is important for them. Which idea do you prefer? v.1

Some teenagers participate in different activities in school, but others focus only one activity that is important for them. Which idea do you prefer? v. 1
Obviously, the employee becomes lethargic and uninterested in any physical activities these days because of work pressure and busy schedules at work. As a consequence, it is lead to detrimental effects on their health such as obesity, back problems and heart disease. Hence, if devote some time for physical activity is improved health. Firstly, there are several factors why people do not get enough free time. In connection with the large number of work tasks, people spend most hours of the day at their workplace that makes them fatigue. Thus, they prefer to sleep or another different relax rather than engage in any physical activity in their leisure time. Secondly, working parents prefer to spend their time with their children after working hours rather than indulging in strenuous workout. Next, people have access to technology such as televisions, computers, mobiles, which lure everyone. These products are passive and discourages people from doing any physical exercise. It is essential to address this issue. Firstly, employers should take an initiative to organize fitness activities such as yoga, meditation sessions or the game room at work. It would be a special room to relax. This will result in after relaxing employees will work as productively and concentrate. Also the result of the company will grow. All in all, physical activity keeps us healthy. In conclusion, people do not have enough time for activities because of above mentioned barriers and so they ignore exercise. However, people should understand the importance of exercise and try to allow time for activities.
Obviously
, the employee becomes lethargic and uninterested in any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
these days
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
pressure and busy schedules at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. As a consequence, it is lead to detrimental effects on their health such as obesity, back problems and heart disease.
Hence
, if devote
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
health.

Firstly
, there are several factors why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. In connection with the large number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
tasks,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
spend most hours of the day at their workplace that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them fatigue.
Thus
, they prefer to sleep or another
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
relax
rather
than engage in any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
in their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
Secondly
, working parents prefer to spend their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with their children after working hours
rather
than indulging in strenuous workout.
Next
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have access to technology such as televisions, computers, mobiles, which lure everyone. These products are passive and discourages
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from doing any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
exercise.

It is essential to address this issue.
Firstly
, employers should take an initiative to organize fitness
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
such as yoga, meditation sessions or the game room at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. It would be a special room to relax. This will result in after relaxing employees will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
as
productively
and concentrate.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
the result of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
will grow. All in all,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keeps
us healthy.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of above mentioned
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
barriers and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
exercise.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should understand the importance of exercise and try to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some teenagers participate in different activities in school, but others focus only one activity that is important for them. Which idea do you prefer? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
255 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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