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Some suggest that young people take a job for a few years between school and university. Discuss what the advantages and disadvantages might be for people who do this. v.2

Some suggest that young people take a job for a few years between school and university. Discuss what the advantages and disadvantages might be for people who do this. v. 2
Nowadays, it is believed by several persons that working over the period after school and before going to university is useful for adolescences. Although, I think that it is a great way of acquiring practical knowledges and particular amount of money, but there also may be certain risks leading to some problems. On the one hand, there are some advantages of getting a job in an early age. Firstly, it is a financial self-sufficiency that the young are able to provide their needs properly without help of their parents such as food, rent, leisure time costs etc. Secondly, taking up a job forms particular skills and habits including responsibility and time management which are essential factors for their future academic and daily life. At last, it is a career development that working students are one step ahead from their peers. On the other hand, it is witnessed a few obvious disadvantages that one of them is the generation gap. So that, students who worked after school and entered the university after a while might be forced to study with the lower-aged students who began to tertiary education just after graduating school. Moreover, a brake after school can lead to losing some abilities such as reading, writing etc. which are taught at schools and as a result the former students may not show interest toward higher education. As a conclusion, taking up a job between school and university has a lot of benefits for youths. However, too much break may discourage them to restart. Thus, in my opinion getting a job for a while before going to university is beneficial under the conditions of keeping themselves in touch with the studies.
Nowadays, it
is believed
by several persons that working over the period after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
going to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
is useful for adolescences. Although, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is a great way of acquiring practical
Possible spelling mistake found.
knowledges
and particular amount of money,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
there
also
may be certain
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
leading to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
problems.

On the one hand, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
advantages of getting a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
in an early age.
Firstly
, it is a financial self-sufficiency that the young are able to provide their needs
properly
without
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of their parents such as food, rent, leisure time costs etc.
Secondly
, taking up a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
forms particular
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and habits including responsibility and time management which are essential factors for their future academic and daily life. At last, it is a career development that working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are one step ahead from their peers.

On the other hand
, it
is witnessed
a few obvious disadvantages that one of them is the generation gap.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who worked after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
and entered the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
after a while might
be forced
to study with the lower-aged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who began to tertiary education
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
after
The verb 'to graduate' requires the preposition 'from': "graduating from".
graduating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
.
Moreover
, a brake after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
can lead to losing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
abilities such as reading, writing etc. which
are taught
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
and
as a result
the former
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
may not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
interest toward higher education.

As a conclusion, taking up a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
benefits for youths.
However
, too much break may discourage them to restart.
Thus
, in my opinion getting a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
for a while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
going to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
is beneficial under the conditions of keeping themselves in touch with the studies.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Some suggest that young people take a job for a few years between school and university. Discuss what the advantages and disadvantages might be for people who do this. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
280 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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