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Some suggest that young people should take a job for a few years between school and university. Discuss what the advantages and disadvantages might be for people who do this. v.1

Some suggest that young people should take a job for a few years between school and university. Discuss what the advantages and disadvantages might be for people who do this. v. 1
Which one should be gained first experience or knowledge? This question has long been a source of contention. Regarding this question, some people advise that the young ought to spend a number of years -between school and college- working. This suggestion has positive and negative aspects, a few of which will be discussed in this essay. Proponents of this piece of advice believe that entering a job after finishing school will desirably render a young citizen financially independent. This belief, or positive facet of the mentioned advice, is reinforced by the fact that achieving financial independence and freedom is the primary, if not the sole, rationale behind the people’s attending schools or universities. Furthermore, jumping into the business world before going to college offers practical knowledge to young individuals, some of which cannot be obtained in an academic environment. Accordingly, not only can the young attain a wealth of experience to list on their resume, but they also will become familiar with their genuine interests and talents, according to which they can select their future field of study or career more realistically and wisely. On the other hand, there are some drawbacks to postponing the educational process and taking a career instead. The first one is being detached from studies. To clarify, those who work during the aforesaid period would often receive a substantial number of perks and benefits. This could tempt them to shift their central focus to working, to the detriment of their educational progress. Another downside is that people who have come to this decision are bound to be outdone by their peers who have attended and graduated from universities in gaining higher positions or education. In summation, the upside of going on to work and skipping school includes acquiring financial autonomy and practical understanding of the real business world; nevertheless, this action has some disadvantages such as disengagement from studies and being surpassed by one's friends in educational life and achieving high rank careers.
Which one should
be gained
first
experience or knowledge? This question has long been a source of contention. Regarding this question,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
advise that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
ought to spend a number of years -between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
and college- working. This suggestion has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
aspects, a few of which will
be discussed
in this essay.

Proponents of this piece of advice believe that entering a job after finishing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
will
desirably
render a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
citizen
financially
independent. This belief, or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
facet of the mentioned advice,
is reinforced
by the fact that achieving financial independence and freedom is the primary, if not the sole, rationale behind the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s attending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
or universities.
Furthermore
, jumping into the business world
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
going to college offers practical knowledge to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
individuals,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of which cannot
be obtained
in an academic environment.
Accordingly
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
can the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
attain a wealth of experience to list on their resume,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they
also
will become familiar with their genuine interests and talents, according to which they can select their future field of study or career more
realistically
and
wisely
.

On the other hand
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks to postponing the educational process and taking a career
instead
. The
first
one is
being detached
from studies. To clarify, those who work during the aforesaid period would
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
receive a substantial number of perks and benefits. This could tempt them to shift their central focus to working, to the detriment of their educational progress. Another downside is that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
to this decision
are bound
to be outdone by their peers who have attended and graduated from universities in gaining higher positions or education.

In summation, the upside of going on to work and skipping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
includes acquiring financial autonomy and practical understanding of the real business world;
nevertheless
, this action has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disadvantages such as disengagement from studies and
being surpassed
by one's friends in educational life and achieving high rank careers.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes
A special kind of beauty exists which is born in language, of language, and for language.
Gaston Bachelard

IELTS essay Some suggest that young people should take a job for a few years between school and university. Discuss what the advantages and disadvantages might be for people who do this. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
328 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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