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Some students take one year off between finishing school and going to university, in order to travel or to work. Do the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages? v.2

Some students take one year off between finishing school and going to university, in order to travel or to work. Do the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages? v. 2
It is recommended that some pupils have been taking a year gap to have fun or for the jobs when finished school and before going to higher education of an institute. I consider that it has more drawbacks than benefits. In my viewpoint, taking one year off before start of university or college it can be beneficial for the students because they need to take relax and slackening, so they would be focused on study and get a high score. For example, students need to study without stress and frustration. Also, if the students can be working with particular the company and get a salary and they are able to pay the fee of their study at the university. In spite of this, there are noteworthy disadvantages, first of all, if the students left their study and go for work or travel, it is a waste of time and they would be forgotten the habits of study and some basic fundamentals of education because of they spend for other activities. Furthermore, they work in the company and earning amount, then they cannot be thought of joining the university because they cannot take proper environment in working areas. Thus, they change their thoughts and maybe they can leave the study. In short, they should be continued to do the study. In conclusion, due, some students are taking a one year for travel and for work when, completed school and before starting to higher education, however, it has a waste of time to take leave and doing jobs.
It
is recommended
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
pupils have been taking a year gap to have fun or for the jobs when finished school and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
going to higher education of an institute. I consider that it has more drawbacks than benefits.

In my viewpoint, taking one year off
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
of university or college it can be beneficial for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they need to take relax and slackening,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they would
be focused
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a high score.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
need to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
without
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and frustration.
Also
, if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can be working with particular the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
salary and
they are able to pay the fee of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
at the university.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
In spite of
this, there are noteworthy disadvantages,
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
first of all
, if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
and go for work or travel, it is a waste of
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
time and
they would
be forgotten
the habits of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
Consider using "fundamentals".
basic fundamentals
of education
Probable usage error. Use "because they" instead.
because of they
spend for other activities.
Furthermore
, they work in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
and earning amount, then they cannot be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
of joining the university
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they cannot take proper environment in working areas.
Thus
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
their thoughts and maybe they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
. In short, they should
be continued
to do the study.

In conclusion
, due,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are taking a one year for travel and for work when, completed school and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
starting to higher education,
however
, it has a waste of time to take
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
and doing jobs.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
11Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
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Amy Chua

IELTS essay Some students take one year off between finishing school and going to university, in order to travel or to work. Do the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
256 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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