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Some students prefer to take a long vacation before they enter university. Other students prefer to attend university. Others prefer to enter university directly after high school. Which do you think is the best? v.1

Some students prefer to take a long vacation before they enter university. Other students prefer to attend university. Others prefer to enter university directly after high school. Which do you think is the best? v. 1
It is known that the Internet is the global net that is used all over the world to find any data or to communicate virtually. Nevertheless, some people believe that the Internet must be controlled, while others sure that there are must not be any interference. This essay will consider both statements, however, I think that the Internet must be supervised because it refer to the safety of humanity. On the one hand, The Internet is the source of worldwide data, where human could find whatever he/she wants. However, if the internet is not supervised, the level of cyber crime may increase. The stealing personal information about the man and using it in the purpose of a fraud is one of the examples. The other reason, why I think it is important to be supervised, it is the safety of the children, who may accidentally watch 18+ content, which will affect to their psychology. Moreover, virtual communication will not be safe anymore, if there is no control system. People could not make new friends or find their love through the Internet. On the other hand, blocking the data has its negative drawbacks as hiding information. In other words, people cannot a particular data anywhere. For example, Kazakhstan is always blocking some sites and data. Therefore, men do not know any current state situation and live in the informational vacuum. To conclude, many men think that the Internet should be controlled, while others do not think so. I think that controlling the internet is beneficial for the humans, because of safety issues, but it has disadvantages as blocking data from society.
It
is known
that the Internet is the global net
that is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
all over the world to find any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
or to communicate
virtually
.
Nevertheless
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that the Internet
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be controlled
, while others sure that there are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
not be any interference. This essay will consider both statements,
however
, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that the Internet
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be supervised
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it
Did you mean "refers"?
refer
to the safety of humanity.

On the one hand, The Internet is the source of worldwide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
, where human could find whatever he/she wants.
However
, if the internet is not supervised, the level of cyber crime may increase. The stealing personal information about the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
and using it in the purpose of a fraud is one of the examples. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
reason, why I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to
be supervised
, it is the safety of the children, who may
accidentally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
18+ content, which will affect to their psychology.
Moreover
, virtual communication will not be safe anymore, if there is no control system.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
could not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
new friends or find their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
through the Internet.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, blocking the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
has its
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
drawbacks as hiding information. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
cannot a particular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
anywhere.
For example
, Kazakhstan is always blocking
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
sites and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
do not know any
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
state situation and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in the informational vacuum.

To conclude
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that the Internet should
be controlled
, while others do not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
. I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that controlling the internet is beneficial for the humans,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of safety issues,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it has disadvantages as blocking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
from society.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS essay Some students prefer to take a long vacation before they enter university. Other students prefer to attend university. Others prefer to enter university directly after high school. Which do you think is the best? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
270 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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