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some students choose to enter the university immediately after high school; however others prefer to take time before beginning the university class. Which one is better? v.2

some students choose to enter the university immediately after high school; however others prefer to take time before beginning the university class. Which one is better? v. 2
It is true that people hold different opinions about the extent to which wild animals should be protected. While it is difficult to justify the protection of every wild animal, I believe that some wild animals ought to be protected. On the one hand, some people put forward the moral argument that humans have no right to kill any animal in the wild. They argue that it is a violation of animal rights. They believe that it is necessary for everyone to treat animals humanely, and they correctly condemn the many forms of animal exploitation, animal suffering and even animal slaughter in the world today. For example, animal lovers will argue the need to eliminate poaching of elephants in Africa or India and to establish more wildlife reserves. In terms of the oceans, there is an international campaign for an end to the practice of whaling. On the other hand, I tend to agree with those who argue that only animals on the brink of extinction should be protected. Their views combine practical and moral arguments. Although they recognise the ethical dilemmas, they believe that the numbers of some species of animals must be regulated. Rats, for example, are everywhere and they are a danger to human health, contaminating food and water and carrying diseases. If their numbers were not reduced, the consequences would be serious. Therefore, people should mainly be concerned with protecting rare or endangered species of wild animals. In conclusion, because it is impossible to protect every species of wild animal, I believe that priority should be given to saving those species which are in danger of becoming extinct.
It is true that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
hold
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
opinions about the extent to which wild
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
should
be protected
. While it is difficult to justify the protection of every wild
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
wild
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
ought to
be protected
.

On the one hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
put forward the moral argument that humans have no right to kill any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
in the wild. They argue that it is a violation of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
rights. They
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that it is necessary for everyone to treat
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
humanely
, and they
correctly
condemn the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
forms of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
exploitation,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
suffering and even
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
slaughter in the world
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
lovers will argue the need to eliminate poaching of elephants in Africa or India and to establish more wildlife reserves. In terms of the oceans, there is an international campaign for an
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
to the practice of whaling.

On the other hand
, I tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with those who argue that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
on the brink of extinction should
be protected
. Their views combine practical and moral arguments. Although they
Possible spelling mistake. 'recognise' is British English.
recognise
the ethical dilemmas, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that the numbers of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
species of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be regulated
. Rats,
for example
, are
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
everywhere and
they are a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
to human health, contaminating food and water and carrying diseases. If their numbers were not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
, the consequences would be serious.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
should
mainly
be concerned
with protecting rare or endangered species of wild animals.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is impossible to protect every species of wild
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that priority should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to saving those species which are in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
of becoming extinct.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay some students choose to enter the university immediately after high school; however others prefer to take time before beginning the university class. Which one is better? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
272 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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