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Some students like to listen to music while they are studying. Others prefer a very quiet atmosphere for their study. Which do you prefer? v.1

Some students like to listen to music while they are studying. Others prefer a very quiet atmosphere for their study. Which do you prefer? v. 1
Some people insist that money should be spent to construct in new building instead of maintaining obsolete ones because they want a current design in architecture. However, I am not satisfied with this view. Upcoming reason will be sufficient to support my view. Repair and preservation of sculpture were too expensive, although it provides the identification of human civilization. If they not preserved the history, then it would be lost. For next generation, there is no idea about the past, so without knowing the old ages would create a misleading about their country. Some architecture which is described as a world wonder, they are constructed by ancient people. In this modern era, it is very difficult to built like those ones but they created without any help from technologies. For one clear instance, Tamil Nadu temple is one of the best architectures in the world because they did not use any binding product. Therefore, maintaining an old building would give an economic growth because many tourists like to learn a culture Secondly, it can useful for schools and universities to learn the culture by visiting to that place. Many people do not devote their time to visit those types of building because they did not care about the past events. People like their old house because they had more old memories likewise countries ancient building has more memories how they survive in their lives. To conclude, maintaining cost of building would be greater although it gives many information about their life and it creates an awareness for people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
insist that money should
be spent
to construct in new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
building
instead
of maintaining obsolete
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they want a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
design in architecture.
However
, I am not satisfied with this view. Upcoming reason will be sufficient to support my view.

Repair and preservation of sculpture were too expensive, although it provides the identification of human civilization. If they not preserved the history, then it would
be lost
. For
next
generation, there is no
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
about the past,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
without knowing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
ages would create a misleading about their country.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
architecture which is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
described
as a world wonder, they
are constructed
by ancient
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. In this modern era, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
difficult to built like those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they created without any
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
from technologies. For one
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
instance, Tamil Nadu temple is one of the best architectures in the world
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they did not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
any binding product.
Therefore
, maintaining an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
building
would give an economic growth
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
tourists like to learn a culture

Secondly
, it
The word 'useful' is a noun or an adjective. A verb or adverb is missing or misspelled here, or maybe a comma is missing.
can useful
for schools and universities to learn the culture by visiting to that place.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not devote their time to visit those types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
building
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they did not care about the past
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
like their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they had more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
memories
likewise
countries ancient
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
building
has more memories how they survive in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.

To conclude
, maintaining cost of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
building
would be greater although it gives
Possible agreement error. The noun information seems to be uncountable; consider using: "much information", "a good deal of information".
many information
about their life and it creates an awareness for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Some students like to listen to music while they are studying. Others prefer a very quiet atmosphere for their study. Which do you prefer? v. 1

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
257 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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