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Some people like to listen to classical music; others like to listen to popular music (including popular songs). Which kind of music do you prefer? v.1

Some people like to listen to classical music; others like to listen to popular music (including popular songs). Which kind of music do you prefer? v. 1
Parents want the best for their children, as a result, they often advise children to make use of their free time. While others believe that the best plan of action is for young people to occupy themselves on their own, I would argue there are more benefit to be had from participating in communal activities. Firstly, juveniles who occupy their own time are more self-reliant. As a result, they are given the freedom to explore and learn at their own pace. This in turns provides free thinkers and sometimes leaders. On the other hand, this sometimes creates selfish children, who are unable to see beyond their own wants. For example, children who always get what they want, do not like hearing the word no. Secondly, I would argue that children participating in group activities build character. They gain a better understanding of the world and unlike the opposite are able to learn from others and see the importance in sharing. Such as, children can assist in elderly homes and benefit from interacting with members of the older generations. Moreover, group activities give children the opportunity to foster meaningful relationship and develop skills that can be used sooner or later. For example, when I assisted in a soup kitchen for the helpless and soon after I used the same knowledge gained to prepare the same meal for my sick aunt. In conclusion, it is up to the parent to decide the best plan of action to be done in regards to their children. But I believe participating in a group activity is more impactful and helps the child to be more rounded as an individual.
Parents want the best for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
as a result
, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
advise
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of their free time. While others believe that the best plan of action is for young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to occupy themselves on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
, I would argue there are more benefit to
be had
from participating in communal activities.

Firstly
, juveniles who occupy their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
time are more self-reliant.
As a result
, they are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
the freedom to explore and learn at their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
pace. This in turns provides free thinkers and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
leaders.
On the other hand
, this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
creates selfish
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, who are unable to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
beyond their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
wants.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
what they want, do not like hearing the word no.

Secondly
, I would argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
participating in group activities build character. They gain a better understanding of the world and unlike the opposite are able to learn from others and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the importance in sharing. Such as,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can assist in elderly homes and benefit from interacting with members of the older generations.

Moreover
, group activities give
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
the opportunity to foster meaningful relationship and develop
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
that can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
sooner or later.
For example
, when I assisted in a soup kitchen for the helpless and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
after I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
the same knowledge gained to prepare the same meal for my sick aunt.

In conclusion
, it is up to the parent to decide the best plan of action to
be done
Use "in regard to", "with regard to", or more simply "regarding".
in regards to
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
I believe participating in a group activity is more impactful and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
the child to be more rounded as an individual.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
One language sets you in a corridor for life. Two languages open every door along the way.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Some people like to listen to classical music; others like to listen to popular music (including popular songs). Which kind of music do you prefer? v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
274 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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