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Some students like classes where teachers lecture (do all of the talking) in class. Other students prefer classes where the students do some of the talking. Which type of class do you prefer? Give specific reasons and details to support your choice. v.1

Some students like classes where teachers lecture (do all of the talking) in class. Other students prefer classes where the students do some of the talking. Which type of class do you prefer? Give specific reasons and details to support your choice. v. 1
Increasing health problems has been a rising concern across the world. Some of the health problems, mainly raise due to the eating habits and lifestyle of people. Though, some people debate that it is the duty of an individual to reduce the consumption of sugar, whereas, some argue it is the duty of the public body. In my essay I will share both views on this. To begin with, it is the responsibility of every individual to take care of his well-being. No one can take care of a person’s health better than themselves as individuals know their own body requirements better. Also, everyone is different and cannot be measured on the same scale. For example, having diabetes is more of a hereditary problem. An individual who knows that diabetes is common in his family, In order to avoid the same he can take measures like reducing his carbohydrate intake and also improving his diet and indulging in regular exercise. On the other hand, I think the government can help in educating and creating awareness among the people about the adverse effects of consuming more sugar. Educating them on the substitutes that can be used instead of sugar and also conducting free diabetes tests across the country will increase the awareness among people. In addition the government can also levies higher taxes on sugar and sugary products, which will lead to people reducing their consumption of these products. In conclusion, though the government can take some measure such as educating people and levying higher taxes. In my opinion, I believe that its the core duty of an individual to be responsible and take care of his own well-being.
Increasing health problems has been a rising concern across the world.
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
Some of the
health problems,
mainly
raise due to the eating habits and lifestyle of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. Though,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
debate that it is the duty of an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the consumption of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sugar
, whereas,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
argue it is the duty of the public body. In my essay I will share both views on this.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, it is the responsibility of every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
to take care of his well-being. No one can take care of a person’s health better than themselves as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
know their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
body requirements better.
Also
, everyone is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
and cannot
be measured
on the same scale.
For example
, having diabetes is more of a hereditary problem. An
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
who knows that diabetes is common in his family, In order to avoid the same he can take measures like reducing his carbohydrate intake and
also
improving his diet and indulging in regular exercise.

On the other hand
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in educating and creating awareness among the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
about the adverse effects of consuming more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sugar
. Educating them on the substitutes that can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
instead
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sugar
and
also
conducting free diabetes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tests
across the country will increase the awareness among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. In
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
addition
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
can
also
The verb 'can' requires the base form of the verb: "levy"
levies
higher taxes on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sugar
and sugary products, which will lead to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
reducing their consumption of these products.

In conclusion
, though the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
can take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
measure such as educating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and levying higher taxes.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
my opinion, I believe that
Did you mean "it's" (="it is") instead of 'its' (possessive pronoun)?
its
the core duty of an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
to be responsible and take care of his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
well-being.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Learning another language is not only learning different words for the same things, but learning another way to think about things.
Flora Lewis

IELTS essay Some students like classes where teachers lecture (do all of the talking) in class. Other students prefer classes where the students do some of the talking. Which type of class do you prefer? Give specific reasons and details to support your choice. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
278 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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