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Some secondary schools provide students with a general education across a range of subjects whereas others focus on fewer subjects releated to a particular career. Do you think the advantages of a focused education outweigh the disadvantages? v.1

Some secondary schools provide students with a general education across a range of subjects whereas others focus on fewer subjects releated to a particular career. Do you think the advantages of a focused education outweigh the disadvantages? v. 1
Museums are important in every city, as they hold valuable heritage. Most of these infrastructures have a price to enter while the other's don't. There are pro's and con's to the cost management system, pro being without a fee, there can be more footfalls whereas if it's free it also can lead to overcrowding taking the whole purpose of experiencing the menagerie in tranquility. First, if there is a charge involved to enter the place you will have only the people who are actually required entering. In addition to that, you will have lesser people within the premise, allowing people to have a seamless and peaceful experience. For example the Taraporewala Museum, which is an art museum has a charge to enter which in turn helps people only who are interested pay and enter. On the other hand, if the structure has no entry fee, there are chances of it are diluting its value and having anybody in for a visit. This can lead to overcrowding of the place and problems with managing crowds. The quality of people coming will also take a hit with the free entry system. For example a wax museum in Lonavala has free entry and the amount of people within the museum at any point in time acts as a Demotivator. I support a system where people are charged for entering the museum as that would give me the added advantage of going through the history of the statues a lot better. Bringing this essay to a close the chargeable system outweighs the disadvantages.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Museums
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
in every city, as they hold valuable heritage. Most of these infrastructures have a price to enter while the other's don't. There are
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "pros"?
pro
's and con's to the cost management
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
system
, pro being without a fee, there can be more footfalls whereas if it's free it
also
can lead to overcrowding taking the whole purpose of experiencing the menagerie in tranquility.

First
, if there is a charge involved to enter the place you will have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are actually required entering.
In addition
to that, you will have lesser
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
within the premise, allowing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to have a seamless and peaceful experience.
For example
the
Possible spelling mistake found.
Taraporewala
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Museum
, which is an art
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museum
has a charge to enter which in turn
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
who
are interested
pay and enter.

On the other hand
, if the structure has no entry fee, there are chances of it are diluting its value and having anybody in for a visit. This can lead to overcrowding of the place and problems with managing crowds. The quality of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
coming will
also
take a hit with the free entry
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
system
.
For example
a wax
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museum
in
Possible spelling mistake found.
Lonavala
has free entry and the amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
within the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museum
at any point in time acts as a
Possible spelling mistake found.
Demotivator
.

I support a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
system
where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are charged
for entering the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museum
as that would give me the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
added
advantage of going through the history of the statues a lot better. Bringing this essay to a close the chargeable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
system
outweighs the disadvantages.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Speak a new language so that the world will be a new world.
Rumi

IELTS essay Some secondary schools provide students with a general education across a range of subjects whereas others focus on fewer subjects releated to a particular career. Do you think the advantages of a focused education outweigh the disadvantages? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
259 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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