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Some school leavers travel or work for a period of time instead of going directly to university. What are the advantages and disadvantages. v.2

Some school leavers travel or work for a period of time instead of going directly to university. What are the advantages and disadvantages. v. 2
The idea that, besides making the profits, enterprises should take social responsibilities. And I totally agree with this statement. On the one hand, the money that the business companies earn will make a profit for the government. In fact, the more profits gained from enterprises, the more faxes they have to pay back to the government. Consequently, the government will use this money for developing the infrastructures, upgrading equipment, materials and providing citizens with high services such as healthcare, education and entertainment. Moreover, the developed businesses which expand their own works can create more jobs for the unemployed. Therefore, the number of unemployment may decrease significantly in the near future. On the other hand, I strongly believe that from the profits earned, they need to be more socially responsible. Firstly, they have to take responsibilities for the environment. We know that most of the harmful emissions percentage is from factories and enterprises. For example, a Vietnam company called “Vinh Khang” released tons of toxic gas into the environment, which caused the eye-related problems and respiratory disease for citizens. Secondly, the businesses should help those who are less fortunate by creating scholarships for the poor children, supporting the poor farmer over drought crops, … This also can enhance the company’s public image. In conclusion, there are some clear reasons for making money of enterprises. However, I argue that these business companies also have to take responsibilities for social activities.
The
idea
that,
besides
making the
profits
,
enterprises
should take social responsibilities. And I
totally
agree
with this statement.

On the one hand, the money that the
business
companies
earn will
make
a
profit
for the
government
. In fact, the more
profits
gained from
enterprises
, the more faxes they
have to
pay back to the
government
.
Consequently
, the
government
will
use
this money for developing the infrastructures, upgrading equipment, materials and providing citizens with high services such as healthcare, education and entertainment.
Moreover
, the developed
businesses
which expand their
own
works can create more jobs for the unemployed.
Therefore
, the number of unemployment may decrease
significantly
in the near future.

On the other hand
, I
strongly
believe that from the
profits
earned, they need to be more
socially
responsible.
Firstly
, they
have to
take responsibilities for the environment. We know that most of the harmful
emissions
percentage is from factories and
enterprises
.
For example
, a Vietnam
company
called “
Vinh
Khang
” released tons of toxic gas into the environment, which caused the eye-related problems and respiratory disease for citizens.
Secondly
, the
businesses
should
help
those who are less fortunate by creating scholarships for the poor children, supporting the poor farmer over drought crops, … This
also
can enhance the
company’s
public image.

In conclusion
, there are
some
clear
reasons for making money of
enterprises
.
However
, I argue that these
business
companies
also
have to
take responsibilities for social activities.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some school leavers travel or work for a period of time instead of going directly to university. What are the advantages and disadvantages. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
238 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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