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Most societies has its homeless people. Some people think that the best way to help them is to give them money. To what extent do you agree? v.6

Most societies has its homeless people. Some people think that the best way to help them is to give them money. v. 6
World economic development has rescued many people out of deprivation and brought a better life, whereas most of people claim this trend leads to the loss of traditional values. In my opinion this trend has more merits and demerits which are manageable to cope with. On the one hand, many benefits are brought because of economic growth. Firstly, it reduces impoverishment and improves the quality of life. While economy grows, more job opportunities are being generated. The income from jobs can help the society escape poverty and people can have a better standard of living. In addition, people can have access to education when they can afford the tuition fee. Through education, people gain a variety of knowledge in many fields, and learn how to use it for a better world. For example, Singapore used to be one of the world's poorest islands has become one of the richest countries. Government attracts foreign investors with no taxes, invests 20% of its GDP into education. Citizens of Singapore study at most prestigious universities around the for free. On the other hand, there is no denying the fact that some traditional values are perishing because of the consumerism. For example, after meeting basic needs, people are eager to pursue more luxurious items without cherishing the things they have already owned. Humans think that everything can be bought with money, even friendship and love. When the society becomes like this, it is hard for us to trust others or build a true relationship. However, the social values can be restored by imparting moral lessons from an early age. People can cultivate the correct moral values and stick to those principles even though the society may be changing. For example, China and Japan keep their traditional culture alive by celebrating Lunar Year and Respect for aged day. Celebrating holidays together helps to nurture the family connections, giving a sense of belonging and celebrate generations of families. More importantly, traditions create positive memories for children. To conclude, the society should develop the economy because it brings immense benefits, such as improved quality of life and chance to acquire education. As for the risk of losing social values, it can be prevented by giving value education from an early age.
World economic development has rescued
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
out of deprivation and brought a better life, whereas most of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
claim this trend leads to the loss of traditional values. In my opinion this trend has more merits and demerits which are manageable to cope with.

On the one hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
benefits
are brought
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of economic growth.
Firstly
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduces
impoverishment and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improves
the quality of life. While economy grows, more job opportunities are
being generated
. The income from jobs can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
escape poverty and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can have a better standard of living.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can have access to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
when they can afford the tuition fee. Through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
gain a variety of knowledge in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
fields, and learn how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
it for a better world.
For example
, Singapore
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to be one of the world's poorest islands has become one of the richest countries.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
attracts foreign investors with no taxes, invests 20% of its GDP into
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
. Citizens of Singapore study at most prestigious universities around the for free.

On the other hand
, there is no denying the fact that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
traditional values are perishing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the consumerism.
For example
, after meeting basic needs,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are eager to pursue more luxurious items without cherishing the things they have already
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
owned
. Humans
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that everything can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
with money, even friendship and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
. When the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
becomes like this, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
for us to trust others or build a true relationship.
However
, the social values can
be restored
by imparting moral lessons from an early age.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
can cultivate the correct moral values and stick to those principles
even though
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
may be changing.
For example
, China and Japan
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
their traditional culture alive by celebrating Lunar Year and Respect for aged day. Celebrating holidays together
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to nurture the family connections, giving a sense of belonging and celebrate generations of families. More
importantly
, traditions create
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
memories for children.

To conclude
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
should develop the economy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it brings immense benefits, such as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
quality of life and chance to acquire
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
. As for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of losing social values, it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevented
by giving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
value
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
from an early age.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Most societies has its homeless people. Some people think that the best way to help them is to give them money. v. 6

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
374 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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